Heed my Words young ones, or DOOMED thou art!: AVOID AVALON MIC PRES

I am disturbed,

Not in the "Hey, I'm mentally ill I might kill you and sexually assault your socks" kind of way (The medication is working fine, thanks for asking...tell your socks when they are ready to talk I'll be here)

Not in the "Ooooh gaaaawd I just saw THAT German Porno" kind of way (I'm not giving you any keywords to search here, those who have seen it are never quite the same....you can't UNSEE this thing, those who have seen it will know instantly the one I'm referring to)

Not in the "My Damn upstairs neighbor is ROCKING the bedposts at 4AM, problem is, my neighbor lives alone with his dog...I've never seen another human being enter that apartment" Kind of way.

No, I am disturbed in the: "I just left someone's studio and they tried to show off their Avalon 737's like I should be impressed, and not feel sorry for them" kind of way.

I mean, seriously,  every single Avalon out there should have its nameplate removed and a replacement installed that says "DUMB-A$$ 737"
I can remember about 10 years ago this was the No-talent-big-bucks preamp of choice, any dummy who downloaded 3 loops, played them simultaneously, and then sold the "BEATZ" to a hip-hop artist  started calling themselves a "Prodoocer" and each and every single one of them took their stupid "FULL BUY-OUT WORK-FOR-HIRE NO BACK-END" chump change and bought an AVALON.

To them, it was a mythical Bling box that would transform their ripped-from-youtube breakbeat into what they would call THE MAJOR LABEL SOUND.

When it failed to do that, or anything else useful for that matter, this type would disappear without a trace, leaving only a soiled pair of socks behind.

No REAL producer who I have ever worked with, and I have worked with heavyweights, EVER used, or would tolerate an AVALON anywhere NEAR their studio. 

In fact, I remember reading the company had started making beach wear instead, no joke, I read that somewhere.

So when I saw that obnoxious silver slab-o-sonic-smegma, staring back at me today, it was like having diarrhea and thinking you are finally done, heading down the road away from the restroom and all of a sudden "OH GOD! IT'S BACK! Honey! Get ready! Things are about to get interesting in here..DON"T YOU DARE OPEN THAT WINDOW! "

It forced me to think of how it could be possible for this studio to have frozen time in 2007, what other alternatives are there?

People don't STILL buy these things do they?

When I did a major high-end gear splurge for my room about 12 years ago, I remember we bought 16 channels of API as our baseline "go-to's"  but there was money left over for a couple of other "Let's try the..." pres (We should have bought more compressors, what were we thinking?)

I remember we got the Abbey Road Chandler (sent it back for a different chandler, found it way too mid-range "honky" I think we sent that chandler back for a Demeter tube which I loved.

....and then there was the Avalon, that was my partners pick because "All the big boys have one"

Well, I'm big enough to say the Avalon gets a BIG THUMBS DOWN, everyone knows the compressor is useless and I don't care if it can be modded, at the price I shouldn't have to "mod" a goddamn thing.

Personally, I thought the EQ was fine...

The Mic pre was stupendously boring, no not clean and crisp....BORING, meaning for whatever price you spend on it, it gives you NOTHING....It's just not money well spent.

I think the only reason it endured as long as it did was that it looked "Bling" in the rack, so people liked having the visual, but once word got out how USELESS they were sonically they disappeared faster than my advance on royalties anytime I've signed a record deal.

I dread to think this next generation of "stoooopid Prodooocers" are going back down that silver plated road to hell...though they probably deserve it.

So beware kids, consider this a public service announcement, there has been a confirmed sighting of the lamest expensive mic pre ever, years after reported extinction.

The moral of the story here is BUY WITH YOUR EARS NOT YOUR EYES, I don't care what your level of experience it IF YOU CAN'T HEAR IT THERE'S NOTHING HAPPENING!

And beware of "Time-buying" B.S like "Oh, well, it's when you stack up a bunch of tracks recorded with it THAT'S when you notice the magic"
B.S!

Don't trust anyone who uses that line on you or tries to tell you are hearing something you aren't. if it sounds like it isn't doing anything, THEN ITS NOT DOING ANYTHING!!
So smarten up dummy,

When it comes to the music biz, you need to guard your wallet!

And your socks.