Will the Alesis SR16 Drum Machine...PLEASE DIE!!!!!

We love electronic musical instruments,

Synthesizers, Loopers, Preamps, Compressors..and DRUM MACHINES.

Oh how we love the drum machines, who amongst us hasn't had at least one of those "Hindenburg" type Valentines days, Anniversaries, or significant others Birthday, where we've had to pull our loved one aside and say something like..

"Now, Hunny.....You'll be mad at first, but just hear me out and you'll understand I had no choice, and hey, it's just better for everyone in the long run....So, I was JUST ABOUT to go get your gift.....well, no it's not leaving it too late to buy the day of, I want to make sure I've had time to think about what the best possible thing for you is!.

.Anyway, I was about to leave, when I accidentally typed Craigslist into the browser, I guess you must have been on there for something lately....anyway, so before I could turn my eyes away, there is was ....a mostly functional 808 for a grand..A GRAND!!! I mean what was I supposed to do?

Somewhere around here the knee lift to the 'Nads is delivered with prejudice, and I have no more desire to relive that then you....so, let's just say, it again.....

WE LOVE DRUM MACHINE
NO, WE DON'T NEED ANOTHER ONE
WE WANT ANOTHER ONE
WHY?
FOR ABSOLUTELY NO GOOD REASON AT ALL
LOVE IS IT'S OWN REWARD

But do we love ALL drum machines? has EVERY electronic bloop box on the market posed some threat to our marriage, finances and current status as a Non-Homeless person? (Forgive me if you are homeless, remember don't sell the drum machines and everything will be fine)

No, we don't. For as much joy as all the rest have brought there is one beastly box that crawled out of the scorched digital wasteland of the early 90's and like the Terminator a decade before that...

"I WILL NOT STOP! IT WILL NOT DIE! IT WILL KEEP COMING FOR YOU!

I speak of course of that repulsive rectangle of percussive pumping poo unit......

THE ALESIS SR16

The 808 of "Dad Rock", The Linn Drum of "Un-sexyness" The 909 of "Embarrassing drunken uncle does crappy blues guitar solo while making faces and sweating like he's Stevie Ray Vahn, and were being forced to watch, (He might as well rub one out right in front of us, because this is getting to be that awkward, oh god kill one of us please)

THIS Zombie machine (It....just....WON'T......DIE!!!!!!!!) is the reason why when guitar players talk to you about your gear, the first thing they ask is: "So how many foot switches does it take" You look at them perplexed, or come right out and say "Um..Who f**king cares?!" They look back at you DEAD serious and say "I CARE!!!!!"

Ladies and Gentleman, let me introduce you too the #1 selling electronic instrument of ALL TIME, (#2 isn't even close, this thing wins by MILES, not even the DX7 or M1 come close to touching this things sales figures)

I don't care who you are, The Alesis SR16 has cause you some pain, anguish and embarrassment at some point in your life. Whether it was when you were hanging out with your friends and your Dad burst in with a three beer buzz on, deciding it would be a great time to talk to you and your friends about REAL music, Like Neil Young, Crosby Stills and Nash and SRV then figured he would impress you all with his drum machine "Ha! see! Kick snare kick snare! Bet you underestimated the old man eh?!? Still got a few tricks up my sleeve! Let me show you the foot switches!"

Or some mortifyingly "I'm am so embarrassed for you" one man band performance, we could not leave without making things even MORE awkward.

As if the drop in MPC quality wasn't enough proof that the Devil runs "IN MUSIC" (Parent company of Akai and Alesis) Here's the final piece of the puzzle.

Beware, my friends, tread cautiously through this world and take nothing for granted,

Because as a wise man (me) once said:

"YOU'RE ONLY THREE BEERS TWO FOOTSWITCHES AND ONE SR16 AWAY FROM TAKING ONE IN THE OLD DIN SOCKET"