Will the Alesis SR16 Drum Machine...PLEASE DIE!!!!!

We love electronic musical instruments,

Synthesizers, Loopers, Preamps, Compressors..and DRUM MACHINES.

Oh how we love the drum machines, who amongst us hasn't had at least one of those "Hindenburg" type Valentines days, Anniversaries, or significant others Birthday, where we've had to pull our loved one aside and say something like..

"Now, Hunny.....You'll be mad at first, but just hear me out and you'll understand I had no choice, and hey, it's just better for everyone in the long run....So, I was JUST ABOUT to go get your gift.....well, no it's not leaving it too late to buy the day of, I want to make sure I've had time to think about what the best possible thing for you is!.

.Anyway, I was about to leave, when I accidentally typed Craigslist into the browser, I guess you must have been on there for something lately....anyway, so before I could turn my eyes away, there is was ....a mostly functional 808 for a grand..A GRAND!!! I mean what was I supposed to do?

Somewhere around here the knee lift to the 'Nads is delivered with prejudice, and I have no more desire to relive that then you....so, let's just say, it again.....

WE LOVE DRUM MACHINE
NO, WE DON'T NEED ANOTHER ONE
WE WANT ANOTHER ONE
WHY?
FOR ABSOLUTELY NO GOOD REASON AT ALL
LOVE IS IT'S OWN REWARD

But do we love ALL drum machines? has EVERY electronic bloop box on the market posed some threat to our marriage, finances and current status as a Non-Homeless person? (Forgive me if you are homeless, remember don't sell the drum machines and everything will be fine)

No, we don't. For as much joy as all the rest have brought there is one beastly box that crawled out of the scorched digital wasteland of the early 90's and like the Terminator a decade before that...

"I WILL NOT STOP! IT WILL NOT DIE! IT WILL KEEP COMING FOR YOU!

I speak of course of that repulsive rectangle of percussive pumping poo unit......

THE ALESIS SR16

The 808 of "Dad Rock", The Linn Drum of "Un-sexyness" The 909 of "Embarrassing drunken uncle does crappy blues guitar solo while making faces and sweating like he's Stevie Ray Vahn, and were being forced to watch, (He might as well rub one out right in front of us, because this is getting to be that awkward, oh god kill one of us please)

THIS Zombie machine (It....just....WON'T......DIE!!!!!!!!) is the reason why when guitar players talk to you about your gear, the first thing they ask is: "So how many foot switches does it take" You look at them perplexed, or come right out and say "Um..Who f**king cares?!" They look back at you DEAD serious and say "I CARE!!!!!"

Ladies and Gentleman, let me introduce you too the #1 selling electronic instrument of ALL TIME, (#2 isn't even close, this thing wins by MILES, not even the DX7 or M1 come close to touching this things sales figures)

I don't care who you are, The Alesis SR16 has cause you some pain, anguish and embarrassment at some point in your life. Whether it was when you were hanging out with your friends and your Dad burst in with a three beer buzz on, deciding it would be a great time to talk to you and your friends about REAL music, Like Neil Young, Crosby Stills and Nash and SRV then figured he would impress you all with his drum machine "Ha! see! Kick snare kick snare! Bet you underestimated the old man eh?!? Still got a few tricks up my sleeve! Let me show you the foot switches!"

Or some mortifyingly "I'm am so embarrassed for you" one man band performance, we could not leave without making things even MORE awkward.

As if the drop in MPC quality wasn't enough proof that the Devil runs "IN MUSIC" (Parent company of Akai and Alesis) Here's the final piece of the puzzle.

Beware, my friends, tread cautiously through this world and take nothing for granted,

Because as a wise man (me) once said:

"YOU'RE ONLY THREE BEERS TWO FOOTSWITCHES AND ONE SR16 AWAY FROM TAKING ONE IN THE OLD DIN SOCKET"

NAMM 2018: Volca mix? Forget it...BEHOLD! The VOLCA A$$!!!

What can I say about the "Volca Mix" that hasn't already been said?

Like the rest of the sheeple, I grazed the fertile pastures of negativity and contempt prior to investigation, before dropping my pants and spraying my half-digested opinion all over the bowl of this great public-restroom we call the internet.

My words were boiling hot with contempt, singeing the very orifice that disgorged them, though there were indeed chunks of wisdom to be found within the nebulas funk off my rhetoric, one was probably not tempted to get close enough to locate them, floating as they were in the primeval stew, the stink of which would drive away any right-minded reviewer.

But now that I've had a minute to take a wad of the proverbial 2-ply dampen it under the sink and hold it to the scalded crack of my snap judgment. Maybe thins in Volca world aren't as bad as I first imagined.

Yes, I took a crap on it like everyone else when I saw it, but I've changed my mind,

 There IS enough here to get a little performance going on. Between the channel EQ/Filters, side-chain, rhythmic compressor, FX I/O and dedicated mutes, I can tell you right now, there is enough here to play this, and your Volcas, like the instruments you've always wanted them to be.

 The Volca's have been screaming for this since day 1, and it's finally arrived.....PULL UP YOUR PANTS AND TURN AROUND.

I get it!

 why not go all the way and give us 6 slots? After all, this is the end of the line for the Volca's (unless they do a Volca Vector, beats 2  (non-screwed up snare) or keys 2 (Polyphonic, NOT Paraphonic, even if it was just two voices....making it douphonic...or stinkaphonic, that's when a Volca comes out of my a$$)

 There you go, the Volca A$$! who needs that designer guy when you've got me around? Frigging brilliant, digitally sampled 12-bit farts through an Analog filter, plus true master stink control for the authentic "Oh god let me out of the car I'm going to puke...too late blagggg!!" Experience. 

"Late night at Taco Bell" firmware update coming soon.