NAMM 2018: Volca mix? Forget it...BEHOLD! The VOLCA A$$!!!

What can I say about the "Volca Mix" that hasn't already been said?

Like the rest of the sheeple, I grazed the fertile pastures of negativity and contempt prior to investigation, before dropping my pants and spraying my half-digested opinion all over the bowl of this great public-restroom we call the internet.

My words were boiling hot with contempt, singeing the very orifice that disgorged them, though there were indeed chunks of wisdom to be found within the nebulas funk off my rhetoric, one was probably not tempted to get close enough to locate them, floating as they were in the primeval stew, the stink of which would drive away any right-minded reviewer.

But now that I've had a minute to take a wad of the proverbial 2-ply dampen it under the sink and hold it to the scalded crack of my snap judgment. Maybe thins in Volca world aren't as bad as I first imagined.

Yes, I took a crap on it like everyone else when I saw it, but I've changed my mind,

 There IS enough here to get a little performance going on. Between the channel EQ/Filters, side-chain, rhythmic compressor, FX I/O and dedicated mutes, I can tell you right now, there is enough here to play this, and your Volcas, like the instruments you've always wanted them to be.

 The Volca's have been screaming for this since day 1, and it's finally arrived.....PULL UP YOUR PANTS AND TURN AROUND.

I get it!

 why not go all the way and give us 6 slots? After all, this is the end of the line for the Volca's (unless they do a Volca Vector, beats 2  (non-screwed up snare) or keys 2 (Polyphonic, NOT Paraphonic, even if it was just two voices....making it douphonic...or stinkaphonic, that's when a Volca comes out of my a$$)

 There you go, the Volca A$$! who needs that designer guy when you've got me around? Frigging brilliant, digitally sampled 12-bit farts through an Analog filter, plus true master stink control for the authentic "Oh god let me out of the car I'm going to puke...too late blagggg!!" Experience. 

"Late night at Taco Bell" firmware update coming soon.

NAMM 2018: WHY THE NEW ELECTRO HARMONIX 9500 LOOPER WILL LEAVE YOU STRANDED ON THE TOILET

 Electro Harmonix must have gotten ahold of some decent Acid.

The gear world's "Dirty hippies with jobs" showed up at NAMM 2018 with: "Like....an entire...universe...IN A BOX.....MAN!" in the form of yet ANOTHER multiple of past looping duds  ( it's the 9500...that's like 2 x + 500 better than the last looper they tried to sell you) and clearly they are, as the kids are wont to say...

"TRIPPIN' BALZ"

 EHX has decided to take a THIRD swing at delivering to the public the ultimate Steroid Monkey, Multitrack looper, while simultaneously lifting a knee into ROLAND'S, well exposed, groin with one track more than that digitally addicted company's flagship ( Though it's construction is FAR from "seaworthy") BOSS RC 505 looper.

Does it seem that this new EHX 9500 will not only floor you with knock-out shot on the button but also prevent Roland from having any more children?

Who cares, the whole concept is nothing but "More...more...MORE!" style vulgarity, that forces unwashed undies (Of dirty hippies no less...BARF) into the face of a unique and fruitful creative method known a looping.

Never tried writing a song with a looper? You should, good things happen and any audio creative should have it in his arsenal, but the fruits of looping do not bloom amidst a dungheap of buttons and sliders. 

Looping DEMANDS two things: Imeadiecy and simplicity, it's a workflow that sprung up organically and became popular because of its ability to unclutter the creative process. EHX seems determined to spill that clutter back in like an upturned porta-potty at Woodstock.

Major bum out maaaaaan......

 if the 505 looper proved one thing, it is that LOOPING IS NOT MULTI-TRACKING, They are different worlds that don't mix well. 6 tracks? That's 4 tracks of distraction and four tracks too many, 2 tracks is the limit, once you go beyond that, you abandon the "Right now, this is it" mindset that makes looping a totally different creative experience,

 All of a sudden you are "Tracking" and trying to get things sounding "Right" so when you go and "Mix" it later.....F**K THAT, that's called MULTI-TRACKING, and it involves a lot of analytical thought, which is DEATH to the creative flow of looping. The 505 was a total dud, as it didn't let you get into the vibe of looping, nor did it sound good as a multitracker.

And since when has EHX even delivered the goods properly when it comes to these steroid loopers? This is their THIRD try and the first two had major issues, why would anyone believe that THIS time they aren't going to try and short change you? 

But even if they and Roland didn't always try to dazzle you with certain features so they could distract you from the essential corners they cut from others, a box like this is nothing more than a creative block of cheese. 

Start mowing down on it and you are going to get really full really fast, but when it comes time to actually squeeze one out you'll find yourself on the proverbial toilet making a lot of sounds but very little stink, as you discover you have been creatively constipated, 

Maybe EHX could include some EXLAX with every purchase of a 9500? 

Just a thought.

The Elektron Digitone, and why THIS could change your synthesizer life FOREVER!

Well, SOMEONE was going to do this, 

The most obvious non-product in electronic music has finally been made.

Elektron has produced, as of NAMM 2018, the FM synthesizer that was a proverbial Elephant parroting: "DUUUUH! in your living room for years.

It a total no-brainer. Korg flirted with it, but blew it with the velocity and lack of aftertouch. Day late and pressure sensitive key short. Works fine for the Monotron but when you want over $100 for a synth, there are a few things you should consider.

 It's really too bad that Elektron decided to do it first. This company CONSTANTLY releases unfinished, malfunctioning, intentionally crippled and way overpriced junk, that they would rather hire online spammers to make excuses for than invest money in fixing. 

Does this thing support aftertouch at least? Have they learned from Korg's fall from, miles in front, industry leaders, to Roland level out of touch company living in its own world?

Oh well, at least you can still trust Novation to give you a finished product and 100% customer support. 

BTW for those of you dropping several hundred on this box, you should know that an FM synth is 1982 level software programming and nothing else (Except for the DX7 with its 12 bit DAC's and unique VCA making it as lively and unique as a subtractive analog) there is nothing that goes into making this product that costs the manufacturer anything more than pennies, they probably paid some intern zero $ an hour to code the thing (that's how simple it is) and used their left over Digitak parts to build the rest, they won't need them for their original purpose now that the world is aware of what a malfunctioning mess the digitak is. So, what do you figure they intentionally crippled on this unit?

On the Analog Heat, it was MIDI, on the Analog Rhythm it was outboard sequencing, on the Analog 4 it was....well...SOUND! (it had other more specific and detrimental handicaps, but many agree, that synth does NOT sound good, 

On the Digitak it was no song mode and completely un-useable sequencing, the Octatrak?......Take your pick.

Come to think of it the only stuff Elektron has ever released that isn't severely and intentionally made crap by sins of commission or omission, are the well-remembered Monomachine and the Machine drum, I suppose the SID station is well thought of as well, who knows? maybe, getting away from Analog and Sampling will result in Elektron producing a usable product?....Yeah, and maybe it doesn't matter that the Prologue doesn't have aftertouch (I told you right to your face Korg, Your employee's in artist relations told me they completely understood, now I can't endorse your product, I will not accept a free unit, I told you this years ago know, no professional will support a flagship board sans aftertouch, you've signed your own death warrant, don't say I didn't warn you)

So, where does this leave the synth buying public? between a rock and a synth-wave hard place? 

No, It leaves you at the doorstep of your local bookstore (if you still have one,) where those of you who are smart will buy "Make Electronics" and start studying.

 Before too long you'll have the skills to build for a few dollars what Elektron tries to convince you is worth several hundred. It is only then you will be free of these thieves and understand just how badly you've been screwed over the years. 

Grab your cans of mace and your 555 IC timers everyone, it's time WE took back the night.