MUSIC HISTORY: The amazing history of straight artists writing AWESOME gay songs, And why all metal fans are gay.

I was recently listening to the Depeche mode classic Speak n Spell on youtube (I bought it on Vynal,,,,, more than once) and was surprised by the comments section for one of the tracks.

Apparently, the commenters couldn't understand why it was that a straight guy like Vince Clarke would write straight up gay songs, I mean they were really confused...

Really? In 2018 this confuses people? straight Artists do gay songs because......IT'S FUN!

That's it, but these comments were really not only confused by the song but also seemed vindictive in their overall tone,

Strange.

Directing any hate towards such classic synth-pop is baffling, I love this stuff. And as far as writing gay songs....

yeah, so what? Gotta problem with gay songs?

Ever heard Jet Boy Jet girl? One of the greatest songs of all time (Most people know the version by The Damned) How about "When the whip comes down" by The Rolling Stones, Kick-ass song and totally gay. So those are two awesome gay songs by two totally straight bands (Yes Jagger is straight, so is Vainian) How about Bowie? His whole "Bi-sexual" thing was 100% straight bullshit, part of the Ziggy Character. ("He was the nazz with god given ass") Hanoi Rocks had several songs where they would flip from a straight to a gay perspective (Lost in the City, Oriental Beat etc.) then they had their straight up gay prostitution song "Cafe Avenue" and guess what? Andy McCoy was bullshitting for the press! He never sold his ass, his GF paid the bills (Confirmed by Mike Monroe and Nasty Suicide, who weren't gay either)

Glam-Punk Legends Flash Bastard also had more than one song sung from a gay perspective from their WILD record "Stutter on" And on their first record "Rock n' Roll Must Be Destroyed" "Don't think about it." is another Gay prostitution song.

 So that's MORE awesome gay songs by straight artists, the really funny thing is that while all those other bands were doing that. There was one gay artist who was singing straight up, gay songs......and all the meathead-Mullet brigade couldn't get enough!

I mean they LOVED the gay songs by the gay singer, who looked gay while performing them, No not Freddy Mercury although I guess he fits the bill as well, but I'm referring to Rob Halford and Judas Priest, who at exactly this same point in history (78-82) had every straight teenage boy who couldn't get laid, singing along with a song about cruising for anal sex with strangers. I wish I was there when this lot found out they had basically been singing "Take me into the bushes and give it to me in the ass when they sang along with the gay cruising anthem"Living after midnight"

Apparently metal fans have ZERO gaydar...either that or all metal fans are gay.......yeah, that's gotta be it, they LOVE "Breaking the Law" which is a song about cruising for gay ass in an area where sodomy is illegal, is both hym and anthem to these people......

well, that's all for today, I leave you with some wise words from the man himself, "When life's not going your way.......RAM IT DOWN!!

Will the Alesis SR16 Drum Machine...PLEASE DIE!!!!!

We love electronic musical instruments,

Synthesizers, Loopers, Preamps, Compressors..and DRUM MACHINES.

Oh how we love the drum machines, who amongst us hasn't had at least one of those "Hindenburg" type Valentines days, Anniversaries, or significant others Birthday, where we've had to pull our loved one aside and say something like..

"Now, Hunny.....You'll be mad at first, but just hear me out and you'll understand I had no choice, and hey, it's just better for everyone in the long run....So, I was JUST ABOUT to go get your gift.....well, no it's not leaving it too late to buy the day of, I want to make sure I've had time to think about what the best possible thing for you is!.

.Anyway, I was about to leave, when I accidentally typed Craigslist into the browser, I guess you must have been on there for something lately....anyway, so before I could turn my eyes away, there is was ....a mostly functional 808 for a grand..A GRAND!!! I mean what was I supposed to do?

Somewhere around here the knee lift to the 'Nads is delivered with prejudice, and I have no more desire to relive that then you....so, let's just say, it again.....

WE LOVE DRUM MACHINE
NO, WE DON'T NEED ANOTHER ONE
WE WANT ANOTHER ONE
WHY?
FOR ABSOLUTELY NO GOOD REASON AT ALL
LOVE IS IT'S OWN REWARD

But do we love ALL drum machines? has EVERY electronic bloop box on the market posed some threat to our marriage, finances and current status as a Non-Homeless person? (Forgive me if you are homeless, remember don't sell the drum machines and everything will be fine)

No, we don't. For as much joy as all the rest have brought there is one beastly box that crawled out of the scorched digital wasteland of the early 90's and like the Terminator a decade before that...

"I WILL NOT STOP! IT WILL NOT DIE! IT WILL KEEP COMING FOR YOU!

I speak of course of that repulsive rectangle of percussive pumping poo unit......

THE ALESIS SR16

The 808 of "Dad Rock", The Linn Drum of "Un-sexyness" The 909 of "Embarrassing drunken uncle does crappy blues guitar solo while making faces and sweating like he's Stevie Ray Vahn, and were being forced to watch, (He might as well rub one out right in front of us, because this is getting to be that awkward, oh god kill one of us please)

THIS Zombie machine (It....just....WON'T......DIE!!!!!!!!) is the reason why when guitar players talk to you about your gear, the first thing they ask is: "So how many foot switches does it take" You look at them perplexed, or come right out and say "Um..Who f**king cares?!" They look back at you DEAD serious and say "I CARE!!!!!"

Ladies and Gentleman, let me introduce you too the #1 selling electronic instrument of ALL TIME, (#2 isn't even close, this thing wins by MILES, not even the DX7 or M1 come close to touching this things sales figures)

I don't care who you are, The Alesis SR16 has cause you some pain, anguish and embarrassment at some point in your life. Whether it was when you were hanging out with your friends and your Dad burst in with a three beer buzz on, deciding it would be a great time to talk to you and your friends about REAL music, Like Neil Young, Crosby Stills and Nash and SRV then figured he would impress you all with his drum machine "Ha! see! Kick snare kick snare! Bet you underestimated the old man eh?!? Still got a few tricks up my sleeve! Let me show you the foot switches!"

Or some mortifyingly "I'm am so embarrassed for you" one man band performance, we could not leave without making things even MORE awkward.

As if the drop in MPC quality wasn't enough proof that the Devil runs "IN MUSIC" (Parent company of Akai and Alesis) Here's the final piece of the puzzle.

Beware, my friends, tread cautiously through this world and take nothing for granted,

Because as a wise man (me) once said:

"YOU'RE ONLY THREE BEERS TWO FOOTSWITCHES AND ONE SR16 AWAY FROM TAKING ONE IN THE OLD DIN SOCKET"

Mastering Deliverables: GAIN STAGE U IDIOT! WHAT PART OF -6db DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?

So, your mastering engineer hates you.....why could that be?

Well, let's have a look-see at your mix, you know the one he refuses to have his name associated with

Wait....your looking to hit -1DB with all that master bus processing to produce MASTERING DELIVERABLES?

You've got the L1 scraping at -1db on a system that is NOTORIOUSLY INACCURATE when it comes to master fader metering.

Guess what people, that DAW you work on, is only accurate within 10% of what is REALLY happening on your 2-bus

The absolute MAX you should be hitting is -3 really if you want your metering engineer not to hate you try -6

And make sure you've death with any spikey quick transients, as in THERE SHOULDN'T BE ANY!!

Here's a pro tip for you: You know those spiky bits of the waveform? the skinny ones that just up out of nowhere? Almost to the top of your screen?

THOSE MEAN YOU HAVE ZERO HEADROOM.

Listen, kids, listen close and understand what I'm saying, in this era of music produced visually, there's really no excuse for delivering unmasterable crap to your mastering engineer.

So, I've put together a little pre-mastering checklist for you, make sure everything on this list is taken care of BEFORE you submit the record for mastering OK? It will save you time and your label money, that means there will be more to spend on your promotional budget, that means you are a rockstar sooner and banging groupies poolside at an earlier date. So just shut up and do it.

1. CHECK YOUR MIXES RMS AND PEAK LEVELS- They should be consistent track to track, RMS is the AVERAGE loudness and peak is, well, if you can't figure that out then....anyway, try and keep no more than 6db difference between the two  (you can break this rule based on artistic needs but this is a reference to get you started) this will generally mean you've mixed the song well as long as you have....

2. SOMETHING CLOSE TO A "DISCO SMILE" EQ CURVE WHILE CHECKING YOUR MIX IN AN ANALYZER. The disco smile concept is simple and it's about frequency distribution. The lows should have definition points for whatever instruments are pumping out low end (Bass synth Kick drum, Bass guitar) after that as you move into the low mids the level of the frequencies in that range should dip a little, Mudd lives here and generally should be less emphasized that the other frequencies of your mix. It should start to rise to a level even greater than your lows starting at about 70-800hz. So what does that look like? LIKE A SMILE! Now go listen to some disco.

3. ONE COMPRESSOR ONLY ON THE MASTER BUS, -3 DB OF COMPRESSION MAXIMUM
That's right, no more dicking around with plugins after the fact to get that "Insta-hit" sound, that's not your job. Tickle your Master with a compressor if you must but don't ever get more than -3 DB gain reduction. THAT'S NOT YOUR JOB.

4. IN TOTAL THE PEAK LEVEL OF YOUR TRACK SHOULD NOT EXCEED -4, That means those spikey snares trying to push their way through the roof of your mix? You need to do something about it, or your headroom will be gone and your mastering engineer WON'T BE ABLE TO MAKE YOUR MIX LOUD

There short and sweet, just enough info for you to stop screwing yourself over.

Now lets see if you do.

Heed my Words young ones, or DOOMED thou art!: AVOID AVALON MIC PRES

I am disturbed,

Not in the "Hey, I'm mentally ill I might kill you and sexually assault your socks" kind of way (The medication is working fine, thanks for asking...tell your socks when they are ready to talk I'll be here)

Not in the "Ooooh gaaaawd I just saw THAT German Porno" kind of way (I'm not giving you any keywords to search here, those who have seen it are never quite the same....you can't UNSEE this thing, those who have seen it will know instantly the one I'm referring to)

Not in the "My Damn upstairs neighbor is ROCKING the bedposts at 4AM, problem is, my neighbor lives alone with his dog...I've never seen another human being enter that apartment" Kind of way.

No, I am disturbed in the: "I just left someone's studio and they tried to show off their Avalon 737's like I should be impressed, and not feel sorry for them" kind of way.

I mean, seriously,  every single Avalon out there should have its nameplate removed and a replacement installed that says "DUMB-A$$ 737"
I can remember about 10 years ago this was the No-talent-big-bucks preamp of choice, any dummy who downloaded 3 loops, played them simultaneously, and then sold the "BEATZ" to a hip-hop artist  started calling themselves a "Prodoocer" and each and every single one of them took their stupid "FULL BUY-OUT WORK-FOR-HIRE NO BACK-END" chump change and bought an AVALON.

To them, it was a mythical Bling box that would transform their ripped-from-youtube breakbeat into what they would call THE MAJOR LABEL SOUND.

When it failed to do that, or anything else useful for that matter, this type would disappear without a trace, leaving only a soiled pair of socks behind.

No REAL producer who I have ever worked with, and I have worked with heavyweights, EVER used, or would tolerate an AVALON anywhere NEAR their studio. 

In fact, I remember reading the company had started making beach wear instead, no joke, I read that somewhere.

So when I saw that obnoxious silver slab-o-sonic-smegma, staring back at me today, it was like having diarrhea and thinking you are finally done, heading down the road away from the restroom and all of a sudden "OH GOD! IT'S BACK! Honey! Get ready! Things are about to get interesting in here..DON"T YOU DARE OPEN THAT WINDOW! "

It forced me to think of how it could be possible for this studio to have frozen time in 2007, what other alternatives are there?

People don't STILL buy these things do they?

When I did a major high-end gear splurge for my room about 12 years ago, I remember we bought 16 channels of API as our baseline "go-to's"  but there was money left over for a couple of other "Let's try the..." pres (We should have bought more compressors, what were we thinking?)

I remember we got the Abbey Road Chandler (sent it back for a different chandler, found it way too mid-range "honky" I think we sent that chandler back for a Demeter tube which I loved.

....and then there was the Avalon, that was my partners pick because "All the big boys have one"

Well, I'm big enough to say the Avalon gets a BIG THUMBS DOWN, everyone knows the compressor is useless and I don't care if it can be modded, at the price I shouldn't have to "mod" a goddamn thing.

Personally, I thought the EQ was fine...

The Mic pre was stupendously boring, no not clean and crisp....BORING, meaning for whatever price you spend on it, it gives you NOTHING....It's just not money well spent.

I think the only reason it endured as long as it did was that it looked "Bling" in the rack, so people liked having the visual, but once word got out how USELESS they were sonically they disappeared faster than my advance on royalties anytime I've signed a record deal.

I dread to think this next generation of "stoooopid Prodooocers" are going back down that silver plated road to hell...though they probably deserve it.

So beware kids, consider this a public service announcement, there has been a confirmed sighting of the lamest expensive mic pre ever, years after reported extinction.

The moral of the story here is BUY WITH YOUR EARS NOT YOUR EYES, I don't care what your level of experience it IF YOU CAN'T HEAR IT THERE'S NOTHING HAPPENING!

And beware of "Time-buying" B.S like "Oh, well, it's when you stack up a bunch of tracks recorded with it THAT'S when you notice the magic"
B.S!

Don't trust anyone who uses that line on you or tries to tell you are hearing something you aren't. if it sounds like it isn't doing anything, THEN ITS NOT DOING ANYTHING!!
So smarten up dummy,

When it comes to the music biz, you need to guard your wallet!

And your socks.

SONGWRITERS ATTENTION!: New Royalty rate for streaming is a JOKE! We need to DECERTIFY the joke known as the musicians union, and go on a worldwide strike! TOTAL MUSICAL EMBARGO! F.U PAY ME!!!

Well............whooopdef***king doooooo!

Let's all make like Jagger and Bowie and do some homoerotic-paisley-styling dancing in the streets!

Guess what my fellow songwriters!

The Copywriter board has ruled to increase our mechanical royalty rate (Streaming) from 10% to 15

OVER THE NEXT FIVE YEARS!

This contemptible human hemeroids aren't satisfied with giving it to us "deliverance" style (Go watch the movie if you don't get the reference, and if you do, then just go ahead and cancel any camping plans you've made)

They want to make us squeal like a pig while they're at it!

And let me tell you, I"M SQUEALING!

WEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Good god, this is just for the writers share, so if you're signed to a label (and 90% of my catalog was released under a record deal with a label) then 50% comes off the top to whoever owns the master recording (Whoever paid to have the song recorded owns the masters) so no were down to 15% of 50%

Which is 7.5 %!

And we won't even get there for FIVE YEARS!

Here's what I don't understand....

When I license a song, if I wrote 100% then I get 100% of the writers share (50%)

If I own the masters then I get the synch fee and the master fee. 50% + 50% = 100%

I've licensed countless original songs to TV and film, going back to my very first composing gig, writing a cabaret song for HIGHLANDER "The series" when I was 17, since then I've licensed tunes to major network shows, a Quinten Tarintino film (No it wasn't pulp fiction you a$$) serval other major films, Composed original cues for COUNTLESS reality shows (I'm taking hundreds, if not into the thousands, and I'm only counting the stuff that got USED) did a good portion of SPIKE TV's new line-up for last season, blah blah.....put it this way, I've been around the block.....or rather, I've paddled around the lake in my canoe (Serriously watch the movie)

I've been screwed every which way you can take it, but THIS???

In case the problem is registering with you let me break it down like this....If we, the songwriters are currently getting 10% of 50% (7.5%)

THEN WHO THE HELL IS TAKING THE OTHER 92.5%!!!!!!

PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T WRITE THE F**G SONG! THAT'S WHO!

So, now they tell us were going to get another 1% a year!??!?!? OVER 5 years?!?!?!?!?!

WEEEEEEEEE!!!!! (Movie, watch it....but don't stream it or whoever did the music won't get PAID!)

Seriously, I know the business is a joke right now, you have guys in big bands RETIRING because they can't make enough money to feed their family's,

The library business has moved on from composers to "stem kits" where the editor can now piece together his own cue using parts of yours and anyone else's that are lying around.

(BTW I did contribute to that, about 3-4 years ago, the networks were no longer interested in cue they wanted STEMS, and boy did I give it to them, At the time I was like "Whatever...pay me" Now? I see that I was putting composers out of work if you are currently composing for a TV  series and they are asking for stems only...

STOP GIVING IT TO THEM, they only want them so they won't have to pay you next time.

I honestly think the music business (What's left of it) is run by the dumbest crooks in the pen.

There's a musicians union! I belong to it! Not because I want to or because they are of any use what so ever, they are simply an extortion front, who set themselves up as the gatekeepers to things (Like touring Visas) that don't REQUIRE a gatekeeper, they are a scam, they sit there and say:

"Nope, can't have that unless you are a union member in good standing"

At this point, you have to pay ALL YOUR RETROACTIVE BACK DUES!!! And for what?!?!

NOTHING! They do NOTHING! While we get insulted and abused by this 5% of 50% over 5-year B.S

They do NOTHING!!!!

Listen, though I don't buy into the whole right-left B.S, I do have beliefs that are somewhat libertarian and would, therefore, be called "Right-wing"

I'm NOT a fan of unions and organized labor, there was a time and a place when they were absolutely necessary, but that time passed AGES ago, not they are greedy lazy leeches trying to get as much as they can for as little work as possible...

.....but right now, I feel like the musicians union needs to be DECERTIFIED! (We can do that you know?)

A new union set up, and have a total and complete shutdown of ALL MUSICAL SERVICES

From little Johnny and the jerk-offs all the way up to The Rolling Stones and Metallica, total touring and musical output EMBARGO

SHUT THIS DOWN L.A.M.F!!! (To borrow a phrase from the late great Johnny Thunders)

Let's tell them we will return musical services to them at a rate of 1% a year over 5 years...

.....I mean, that's fair.....right?

Roland Juno 106 vs. Boutique JU-06...are you joking? No really, am I supposed to be laughing?

Recently a friend of mine who is none too bright bought himself a Roland Boutique JU-06.

"Oh, you twit!" I exclaimed upon discovering the purchase.

"You just paid a few hundred dollars for 2$ worth of software and 1$ worth of Chinese plastic....what the h*ll is wrong with your dumb a$$?!?!?!"

"Bl*w me!" said my friend, "Roland says this is just as good, and I bet YOU can't tell the difference"

"If Roland told you to perform fellatio on peoples pets down at the dog park and then give me all the money because it's a fantastic idea, would you do that as well?" was my retort as I took up my battle station on the couch facing away from my Juno 106 that is set up at the other end of the room.

"And LEVEL MATCH! You got it? You even know what that is"? I ordered my companion.

"Duh!" he replied. "I'll use the same length of cable"

I groaned as he ran to set up his new toy alongside my serious tool (Don't bother).

How did it end? Let's just say my friend ended up at the proverbial dog park with a mouthful of goodness.

But this raises a larger question for me regarding the boutiques.

Am I the only one who can tell the difference with his eyes closed?

The original is producing harmonic content at (I would estimate) a 2:1 ratio when compared to the new model. And that harmonic content isn't static, it ebbs and flows in an interactive dance with its environment, acting and reacting to the world around it, it's temperature, the cleanliness of the power it's consuming, the magnetic field produced by the people around it. All these things play a role in analog electronics,

Now, I know the Juno 106 can barely be called "Analog" at all, especially when compared with a true VCO synthesizer. I get that, but there is STILL enough going on under the control of analog CV that all those factors I listed affect its sound, and that even though it could be argued that it's DCO's are not analog oscillators, the sound engine when taken as a whole provides the user with the variance, liveliness and, "Phatness" of an analog synth, whether the original Juno 106 is an analog synthesizer or not by law, it certainly is in spirit.


 Weight, Girth, Fatness, ALIVE

All just synonyms for more and more varied harmonic content. The harmonic content, you dear reader and I, live and die by.

So, what does the JU-06 do the cover its tracks? To distract you from its anorexic harmonic content and soulless robotic squelch?

Elementry my dear Hirohito! Push the fundamental tone straight into your face then take a small group of harmonics and have a resonant filter sweep them, thus the ILLUSION of analog variance will be produced.

Where on the original, the fundamental frequency sits luxuriously in a bed of unpredictable harmonics. The JU-06 tries to poke your eye out with it. (Ostensibly so you don't bother trying to look BEHIND it.

This makes Roland's little "Plugin-in-a-box" sounds less smooth, more abrupt and jarring. Its focus is on delivering the frontline aspects of the sound and making sure you pay attention to them, the less obvious (but the aspects of the sound that you pay the big bucks for) are nearly non-existent,

It actually a very cheeky little hustle, and a very a Roland thing to do.

It's like when you try and spice up date night, by convincing your wife to swing with the couple across the street. And everyone plans to wear masks to make things less awkward at the next PTA meeting. Then when you're getting busy with what you think it your neighbor's wife (and he is plowing yours) You pull off his wife's mask and find a blow-up doll!

I can't believe other people don't hear this. I guess most serious audio professionals aren't interested in these "Boutiques" so wouldn't be here listening in the first place. Hey, if YOU can't tell the difference, then HAVE AT ER!

And bring your wife over sometime!

NAMM 2018: Volca mix? Forget it...BEHOLD! The VOLCA A$$!!!

What can I say about the "Volca Mix" that hasn't already been said?

Like the rest of the sheeple, I grazed the fertile pastures of negativity and contempt prior to investigation, before dropping my pants and spraying my half-digested opinion all over the bowl of this great public-restroom we call the internet.

My words were boiling hot with contempt, singeing the very orifice that disgorged them, though there were indeed chunks of wisdom to be found within the nebulas funk off my rhetoric, one was probably not tempted to get close enough to locate them, floating as they were in the primeval stew, the stink of which would drive away any right-minded reviewer.

But now that I've had a minute to take a wad of the proverbial 2-ply dampen it under the sink and hold it to the scalded crack of my snap judgment. Maybe thins in Volca world aren't as bad as I first imagined.

Yes, I took a crap on it like everyone else when I saw it, but I've changed my mind,

 There IS enough here to get a little performance going on. Between the channel EQ/Filters, side-chain, rhythmic compressor, FX I/O and dedicated mutes, I can tell you right now, there is enough here to play this, and your Volcas, like the instruments you've always wanted them to be.

 The Volca's have been screaming for this since day 1, and it's finally arrived.....PULL UP YOUR PANTS AND TURN AROUND.

I get it!

 why not go all the way and give us 6 slots? After all, this is the end of the line for the Volca's (unless they do a Volca Vector, beats 2  (non-screwed up snare) or keys 2 (Polyphonic, NOT Paraphonic, even if it was just two voices....making it douphonic...or stinkaphonic, that's when a Volca comes out of my a$$)

 There you go, the Volca A$$! who needs that designer guy when you've got me around? Frigging brilliant, digitally sampled 12-bit farts through an Analog filter, plus true master stink control for the authentic "Oh god let me out of the car I'm going to puke...too late blagggg!!" Experience. 

"Late night at Taco Bell" firmware update coming soon.