The Novation Circuit: How Novation could quadruple their sales and make the Circuit the new Micro Korg

The Novation Circut could bee the best selling electronic instrument since the Micro Korg.

And I promise I will reveal give up the good shortly, but first let me set the stage on which circuit currently finds it's self-playing the role of "Black guy in a red Starfleet uniform who has just beamed down to the planet in the opening scene of an episode of Star trek"  (for non-Trekkies: That guy is usually dead within 90 seconds)

Do my claims of The Novation Circuit being a single feature away from DX7-like sales figures Sound like a bit of an Irish news report on my behalf? Well.then lend me your ear for a few and I will replace slack-jawed, drooling ignorance with a knowing wink and vaguely gay bro-down-fist-bump,

Y'see it goes like this.....

The circuit is about one-year-old and I have owned it for most of that. Novation has delivered on what they promised it would be: great sketch pad for musical ideas, not hard to learn to use, portable....blah fucking blah blah blah....

Yes "Blah" has been the albatross around this unobtrusive things  neck all along. While something like the T.E OP-1 has a very distinct sonic verve and Korg's Volca 's have a design conceit that allows them to appeal as collectibles in addition to being instruments. The Circuit has in some ways been cast as the unfortunate role of "always the bridesmaid" thought it out muscles both of those units in terms of practical usability and the flat out ability to turn the song in your head into a reality in as little time as possible.

Circuit's synths are of the "straight out of 2003 "VA variety, and now that the sheep-le have been allowed to taste the bourgeoisie boon known as "Analog"  it's a little harder to fire up the Micron and be like "Yay....sounds great" They don't sound bad mind you, they just lack sonic scrotum, and I find myself wishing they had gone the JDXI route and put two cheap analog oscillators in there instead. I think people would have been more attracted to 2 note polyphony as long as it had the unique boot-to-the-nads that analog brings to the table. Think a two voice Korg Monotribe with sample flip. Lacking any type of specific sex-appeal one tends to forget what a great tool (Grow up) the circuit actually is. And sadly, It's generic EDM sound leaves it feeling like an issue of PLAYBOY in the era of internet porn.

But this is not about what I would have done differently, it's what novation can do right now to turn this mobility scooter around and get to the Wallmart McDonald's before they start serving breakfast only.

I'm going to share two keywords with y'all you may not be familiar with, so pay attention:

ROCK N' F*CKING ROLL

For those who have no idea what I'm talking about go pick up a copy of FLASH BASTARD Rock N' Roll Must Be Destroyed or the more recent (And dance-friendly) Flash Bastard Wild 

Try Some Girls By the Rolling Stones, Raw Power By Iggy Pop Never Mind The Bollocks By the Sex Pistols, Or The NEW YORK DOLL'S self-titled debut. Here you will learn what kids did before Garageband when they wanted to get laid. There may even be a few of them left, some of you may have actually spotted one and watched your father chase it out of the back yard with a Golf Club,. But regardless of whether you have seen them, when I'm wearing my producer hat, I see them all the time...

And do you know what they ask for in their recordings? Nearly Everytime?

"We want to "electro-fy" our sound"

Yes, that's what they want, Synths drum loops, blips and bloops, so they pay ME to give it to them. Because  as guitar players and drummers these desirables seem as exotic as a Russian-speaking prostitute having a black Friday sale, They want to do business but they don't know how to say "20 dollar blow-and-go please?" in Russian.

Circuit has all the features needed to be the rosetta stone for illiterate rock musician's wanting to update their sound. And to bring that sound to the stage and practice space with zero hassle. When I do it for them i email tracks with instructions about "The click is on the left, so tell the front of house guy to feed that to your drummer and the right goes to the house" I know what I'm telling them to do is new and scary, and that most of them chicken out unless their management makes them do it.

But the circuit would be so easy, novation needs to tell rock bands that the simple pattern sequencing and recordable macros will have them sounding like Trent Reznor in 5 minutes, any member of the band (Maybe not the drummer......or bass play....definitely not the guitar players, just let your singer handle it) could operate it on stage. It would be simple to move, compared to the silly amount of gear these people set up every night, and limits them just enough so they won't get out of control with it. 2 VA synths and four sample flip spots is perfect for adding electro favor to a rock-band, to them it's instant big production in one easy box, they could even put 808 booms for the top of choruses reverse symbols leading into 1/2 time bridges. Drum loops for that super original "Indy dance kinda song" they are so proud of. I could go on and on, but where the synth community doesn't think  there is enough, Rock bands will have 20 times what they can handle. Novation just needs to ad one thing before they start trading with the Neanderthals...

.....Click track assignable to headphones.

Yep, that's all. Just so their drummer can have a click sent to him, while the main output goes to the board. Whether that drummer can actually PLAY to that click is not Novation's problem. If they market to bands as being the one stop shop backing track solution in a box, they will come by the millions.

And that is the second key element in all of this, Novation have to dump some money into advertising themselves to people who have never heard of them, but for every dollar going out, two will come back, this is a goldmine in a stream,all novation have to do is trip and fall into it. Don't waste anymore time marketing to Synth-snobs, they will never be satisfied until it out performs a Prophet 5 and gives them a hand-job while doing it (Even then they would be like "Too soft, harder HARDER! Novation! We need a firmware update!") Oh and it goes without saying get session chaining implemented imeadietly, the cavemen will need this to fling poop to their desired locations.

10 years ago, you could walk into any club in LA and you were guaranteed to see a micro Korg on stage with bands desprite to update thier sound/. That is why the Mircro Korg sold so well, not because the synth people bought it but because those who would usually NOT buy a synth bought it. Right now they aren't buying much of anything, maybe a Volca or two but they learn pretty fast that using that with their band would require more know-how and elbow grease than they are willing to invest. (Volcas are WAY better than they have any right to be, if you keep selling yours....CONGRATS! You're dumb!

There is no other product out there today who can cater to this market the way the circuit can, and after one year of reasonable but underwhelming sales and reviews I would think it's designers would be ready to, as they say in the rock n' roll world...

ROCK OUT WITH YA C$CK OUT!

P.S Novation, you take my advice? then do the right thing and cut me a nice check, 

The analog drum machine you don't even know you already own!

Today I bear happy tidings!

chances are you have an analog drum machine on the level of an EHX Crash Pas or Space drum or Metal Synsonics in your possession at this very moment!

Where is it? What will I get for it on Craigslist? Does it have silky high hats like a 606? Thundering Kicks like an 808 and blunt force trauma snares like a 909?

I will answer your questions in reverse:

1. Nah
2. Eh....sorta
3.heh heh....nope
4. $40 if you're lucky
5. Step away from your computer and wheel yourself over towards the closet.

I am guessing a good many of you host a "Land of Misfit musical toys" type box in your studios, ya know the box with the MPX 8 Arturia Sparkle, Roland Boutique, T.E Pocket Operator and last but not least......At least two or three Korg Monotrons.

Now I realize that alot of the MonotronGREAT MODDING FEVER OF 2013" Took hold and they were hacked to pieces by would-be "BobMoog's", who ended up being more like Bob-The-handicapped-Guy-who slows -up-the-line-at-7-11 In attempting to  ad features they Wouldnt have known what tod do with if thewy HAD been successful in installing them.

s died horrible  deaths as the "

Bt just like any happy handy capper some of you may have been comfortable to remain within the limits  oof your skills, which were  as follows: NONE, and it is to those of you that I speak today. Because the thing about the Monotrons is, ultimately they were more fun to destroy then to keep around long term, they sounded great, but if you're like me you would pull one out to do a specific track with and 3 hours later you are still chasing your girlfriend around the apartment making space age fart noises.

Fun yes, productive ....maybe....missed your deadline? most assuredly. So it was that many a Monotron were hurled in the general direction of the closet with one hand while the other expertly deposited a booger to the direct underside of studio chair the nation over  Thusly was this shockingly good and embarrassingly fun gadget excommunicated to junk boxes and No-Mans_land cord  piles that have taken over parts of our studios and that we fear to enter. It was a shame, but perhaps today I can help change that.

I can help you find a practical use for your Mmonotron's.

You see I bravely fought an evil mass of cable that had entrenched itself on one side of my studio, II fought valiantly and won. and I was able torescuee some innocent bystanders in the process.

A Monotron and a Monotron delay.

Later on when I was done chasing my girlfriend with the fart sounds , I tweaked a little more and discovered that with thew right dials tweaked and one feeding into another AUX input, one could actually put together a quirky little analog drum machine. I used the original Monotron and the delay but I'm sure any combo would be  adequate 

Here's what I did:

1.Montron line out to delay Aux in

2. Monotron: Cutoff LFO setting,  Pitch 9 o'clock, Rate 10 O'clock  INT 11 O'clock, Cutoff 9 o'clock, Peak 11 O'clock

3. Delay: Squarewave LFO setting, Rate 2 o'clock Int 11 o'clock, Int 3 O' clock

3. Rate on monotron controls tempo, Monotron is Kick, Monotron Delay is snare

Tweak around and customize the settings, but this set-up reminds me very much of my beloved EHX Crash Pad and Mattel Synsonics, and has the makings of a quirky trashy drum machine after my own heart.

Remember kids, all it t5ook was one crappy drum machine to give Blondie her first #1 worldwide hit single

If she can do it so can you, take your new drum machine and go write a hit, as soon as the bucks start rolling in, you'll hear from my lawyer.

Untill then.....

Make the music business YOUR bitch! Safety word? MONEY!

   
Recently read an article on "Making it" in the Nashville music world. I know nothing about Nashville by I know a fair bit about being a professional composer/Song-writer. Here's what I say to the cowboys scavenging for the elusive "Deal"


Hey! WANNA-BE!  ............just stop

I'm talking to those whimpering toadies who scour facebook and  try to befriend music row employees are worse yet hang out where they have lunch and attempt to start awkward and completely unprofessional  "random encounters" (Not that kind) to try and forge some phoney social bond with the person who they think holds the keys to the cookie jar. I will admitT.  I have zero experience in Nashville, but from what I've been told it's similar to L.A where I have tons of experience. and in L.A one of the worst tricks in the book is for a social climber to join Alcoholics Anonymous and take advantage of the social support network, trying to use it to further their career instead. 

I would imagine Nashville has some of that as well. One type of climber you may not have in Nashville is the "Fake" or "Industry Jew" I don't know if  Nashville music is Jewish controlled, I do not believe it is, but in Los Angeles,  the power brokers,  everyone from the top executives and nearly everyone on down is Jewish, Enter the phenomenon of "Industry Jews" these are people who are as Jewish as Dolph Lundgren (Asshole) but attend Temple and claim Judaism as their religion only to further their career. It is the fake Alcoholics and Jews I have the least tolerance for, you can feel their presence in a room and it poison's the atmosphere. But they have one redeeming quality in that most of them (Except the real sociopaths, beware, they are there) These people, when pressed will more often than not, admit what it is they are trying to do. And in a world where the divide between the haves and have-nots increases daily, I understand why they try, I believe the efforts are misdirected and counter-productive, but big points to anyone who is full of S$#t and will admit it.

Unfortunately some people are full of shit and won't admit it.

I'm talking about a lot of would-be Professional Nashville songwriters. There is a certain type I've encountered that tries to pretend being an unsuccessful songwriter is somehow a noble and romantic fate, and that being  one they are like Jesus, remaining impoverished while bestowing upon the world the redeeming power of their music (Which no one is hearing). They feel lack of success qualifies them for sainthood and future generations will revere their martyrdom. S

everyone wants to be successful in their chosen field, "I'd rather work 2 jobs?"Gimme a break! And that by being unsuccessful that means you are glorifying god? Oh PLEASE! Some make it some don't some have intermittent success, I'm not in the NAS scene but I make my living writing elsewhere. You want the answer? Here it is....

ALWAYS be ready to walk out on this business if it doesn't deliver what you've worked for, NEVER be sitting around waiting for scraps from the music biz, it's waaaay too fickle a mistress, and doesn't care if you starve. You must stay in a position of power and never let it think you need it for anything. Then Pitch your goods (Which you should be working on and improving everyday) when the opportunity presents itself, forget what "Music row" thinks proper conduct i.s if you care about that you have let them into a position of power in your life that they never should have been allowed into. 

People can sense whether you are bringing them something that can help them, or if you are a simpering sycophant waiting to be "made famous" NEVER be the latter. Today I suggest you quit music for good, let the dream die. Go find your fortune in any other l businesses available on this earth. But do not quit CREATING music. Do that everyday. be disciplined, don't make it #1 but make it a consistent daily effort. When you feel you have something, contact a music attorney about shopping it, if everyone turns you down....

YOU SUCK..congratulations! But you will not be broke or broken, plus you just go away for another year and write another batch of songs, songs you can AFFORD to demo, to bring to a lawyer you can AFFORD to see for the first visit (NEVER pay them to shop after the first visit, if they are paid they won't do it well.) this business isn't that complicated, but the reality of it must be accepted and the pitfalls avoided. And the major pitfall is being financially dependent it. Do it this way and you won't give a s#$t what music business gate keepers think of anything you do, and you shouldn't, you rate THEIR clothing and see if it suits YOU. DON'T give your power away to people who didn't want it in the first place. 

How to write a song, even if you are a no-talent, tone-deaf, jerk-off

Let's do this:

Materials needed: You, Paper, Pencil, Recording device (Computer, voice recorder, tape recorder)

Materials not needed: Excuses, Your B.S , Distractions, The opinions of others, YOUR opinion!
So you want to write a song?

You can ask as many people as you want how to do this and you'll get as many different answers, they will all be BS.

Why? Because there is no "How" There is only "Do" I am writing to you today to take you from the passive to the active, from the how to the do, whether you like it or not. I can't tell you how to run away from me, I can only fart loud enough that you'll want to be gone by the time the smell hits.
Consider this writing to be my bathroom bullhorn after a good dinner at Taco Bell.

It may be a good time to list my credentials in this field: I licensed my first original song at 17 to Highlander the TV series and still make backend royalties off it to this day. I was signed to a major label deal (It was a well know rock stars vanity imprint, actually) at 21 and toured major areas opening for other acts, after being dropped from that deal due to a "backstage incident" I was signed to a well know indy, A year or two later I was in Los Angeles and Signed by Dreamworks records to another major label deal, after that went down in flames, I was signed to the well know UK division of Cargo records and a french Vinyl boutique label. Just two years ago I was signed by the major indy label Metropolis records and could boast labelmates like Mindless Self Indulgence, Bauhaus and Gary Newman, Oh and I forgot, before that I was signed by Dexter Holland of the Offspring to his Vanity label NITRO records, throughout all this I began to focus on composing for TV and today I have music in more reality shows than I can mention, including Top Chef, Real Housewives, Bargain Hunters, Who do you think you are?, Under the dome (Stephen King mini-serries) and countless others.

I am telling you this because it's important that if you are going to take direction from someone, that they have gone somewhere you want to go, as one of the proud and few that has made his living by the songs and music he writes, I don't mind telling you. If I'm one step further down the road you want to travel, then do yourself a favor, shut up sand listen to how I got there.

Now that I've qualified myself, let's return to the task at hand.

Here is a basic formula for song creation: The most important ingredient is this: YOU MUST BE WILLING TO WRITE A BAD SONG

Writing complete songs and letting them flow out of you even if they are squirting up like so much foul diarrhea, build your FLOW muscle. You are mining a path through your soul for creative ideas to ooze through at will.. Every time you decline to judge the piece of art you are vomiting up you make it that much easier for a better one to come along after it.

 I see it like this: creative ideas are like vampires, they only go where they are invited and if you judge demean and abandon songs just as quickly as you start them, then the ideas are not going to feel welcome and they are going to flow elsewhere. But by forcing yourself to write quickly and often, to squeeze horrible songs out of every corner of your being, you are calling out to the good ones "Free room and board!" songs are like freeloading musicians, trust me, they will come. But you must FINISH the songs, you must WRITE THEM DOWN ON PAPER (for some reason this works better than computer or phone text) and you must RECORD A DEMO so that song exists in the physical world, not just in your imagination. Write a song every day! No matter how bad, make it second nature. Assuming you have no idea where to start, I will give you a process to use until you discover your own.

1. Think of an idea that gets you excited, this can be something like sex, a good movie you saw, your mom anything but it must get YOU off. I don't care what songs on the radio are about or what you heard good songs were supposed to be about, YOU follow YOUR muse.

 Now that you have an idea you have a song, because that's what songs are. There are no words music melodies that mean jack on their own. A song has no division between these parts because they all serve one purpose: To communicate that idea you were excited about. No idea? No song

It's called Prosody and it is the most important thing in songwriting, look it up

2. Take a sheet of paper and write your idea on it. Then below that do 5 minutes of free writing on the concept/story of your choice

3. Look back over your writing and find a phrase or two that you like, read them out in a rhythmic fashion,

4. Now think of rhymes for the end syllable of a phrase, pick a rhyming word that fits with the idea go back over your writing to find material to fill out the rhyming phrase. You should now at the very least, have a couplet.

5. Taking what you have, go back over your material and in light of what you have just written, name the song, it's not hard, just do it.

6. Now you have a title and a phrase, sing it, if the concept is dark then use a dark sounding melody, a happy one likewise, reading over the rest of your freewriting, freestyle melodically and lyrically for a while recording yourself as you do.

7. Go back over what you have sang and pick the catchyest melody, fill in the lyrics and be strict about bottom lining your concept with them. This is your chorus.

8. Turning back to your first couplet use it's cadence and free writing to fill out two verses worth of melody and lyric. tell the story of the song in the verse and drive the point home in the chorus.

9. Now after the second chorus, think about a vacation, a" what if?" in opposition to your main idea, conceptualize it as "what would have happened if what I'm singing about didn't?"  Free write and melodically improvise while recording, go back and chose your best parts while filling in the lyrics, you now have your bridge.

10. build from your "Vacation" back to your chorus which will be stronger for your having created such deep contrast in the bridge.

11. For your doubling of the end chorus, do some improv on your second rep, this will be your outro.

12. You have now written a song! Not lyrics, not music but a SONG! Congratulations! Perhaps it sucks? I expect it does, but that is excellent news, you are paving the way for great ones to follow. The important thing when in this process is DON'T STOP and DON'T GET STUCK! There is no "I'll come back to this later" BS you write a song in ONE SITTING, you can make changes later, but when you sit to write you come back with a finished song no matter how bad.

Don't ever get stuck because you can't think of anything good, better to move forward with a bad idea then to get stuck looking for a good one. This is NO EXCUSES NO B.S! You come back with a complete song or don't come back at all.!

I have given you the keys to the kingdom, now the only question is:

Did my fart smell bad enough that you must turn the key and escape through the gates?

I hope it did,

God Bless the cousin of the beast

Dee Lux "DX7"

System 8 hate: Roland designers of the 808 drum machines,and Jupiter synths have decided to crap in a plastic shell and sell it to you

Go buy a JX8P

Eww it feels yucky typing that. but If you my dear friend INSIST on buying a crappy Roland Synth I would have to recommend the unit thAT BROUGHT US "THE FINAL COUNTDOWN" AND "HERE I GO AGAIN"

YA YA, I'll admit it, those are cool songs and one would thinkl that any synth used to propel those mainstage floats in the 80's coke parade, is good enough to do lines off in 2017, but let me tell you something....

Whatever person place or thing your mind conjures up when you here the word "Gutless" will be released from your grey matter the moment you try this great musical castration device of years gone by, one might be excused for checking thier pubes after touching one just to make sure puberty and their manhood had not been recorded by great cosmic forces in charge of all things testicular. Yes friends this synth is indeed a cold day in the locker room after Phys-Ed class in the pool, and I am still recommending you get one....

Why...???


Because If you have a taste for things un-manly with the word Roland printed on them, then there is a chance you may be considering the purchase of a system 8 and this I can not allow. Because if you buy them Roland will keep making them and if Roland keeps making them, I may one day be forced to trade in my twin venom sacks for.......an M-Audio Venom? (Ok that's another blog all together so don't get me started.

Maybe you are a Roland Apologist who will fight to the, death for your right to overpay for things that break way too easily, if so I am looking forward to hearing how the system 8 synthesizer from Roland is in any way a step in the right direction. Perhaps armed with the latest specs and feature lists you can't wait to debate it's merits and quash it's purported drawbacks, perhaps you are so used to soft-synths that one that both sound and feel like a plugin is more to your tastes? it doesn't matter anyway, I played tit in the store, this thing is a straight up JOKE, it's made from spare parts left over from the JDXI, (massive flop) that they want to get rid of, it is plastic and fragile as hell, a loud fart would probably split it in two, it's absolutely drenched with FX and every gimmick they could cram in to distract from the shite sounding oscillators. This is a synth from 10-15 years ago, like a micro Korg or a Micron, it's outdated VA garbage, whose only purpose is to get rid of all the JDXA parts they already spent money on.. It reminds me of the Ultra Nova, plug in in a box with wall to wall gimmicks to make the kids go....woah!!! Unfortunatly, the kids now know what analog sounds like so they are no longer impressed. Seriously this thing is about as cutting edge as a hair metal band in 1993,


And that hair metal band was probably playing a JX8P, so even THEY didn't want the system 8 You have been warned

DJ Vinyl beat matching tutorial: Beat matching Rock, Punk and other less "exact" genres'

Some people have it easy,

Like Electronic EDM, OEDM and A-FUC-U D.J's for instance. The music they mix is "Uniform" (Nice way of saying redundant) to say the least. An aspiring D.J from a less "Color by numbers" (Not nice at all) school of music might think the beginning principals of D.J'ing don't apply to him, but they would be wrong.

Of he who is given much, much will be asked, and if you are reading this then the call has gone out to YOU to nut-up and get your beat-matching shiz together once and for all.

"But...But...they didn't record my favorite records to a click" you whimper? SILENCE! It is YOU who must become the click, and become it you shall.

I will now describe the steps necessary for you to beat match un-quantized music PAY ATTENTION.....

Roland 909 day: EPIC FAIL!

Roland 909 day has come and gone......it sucked. We knew it would, so no surprises there however, I am hearing the odd complaint that the suckage is due to the synth industry being "Stagnant"  and that Poor-little-ol'-us us with all our new poly-analouges are the  victims of this stagnation....

Allow me to address this with as much juvenile sexual innuendo as possible

It's not that things are stagnant, it's just that you are an A-sexual eunuch, who needs to listen to a Man-o-war, Accept or Judas Priest (Doesn't matter if your pitching for the other team, as long as you get in the game!) record ASAP, before the last of your pubes becomes permanently ingrown thus giving your pitiful excuse for manhood a festive red Christmas like wreath around it

 People have finally learned what a "synth "is and what it is not, Back when the DX7 almost sank the industry, people had an idea that synths were going to the key to all future instrumentation and their main quality would be how well they could re-create traditional instruments. That was pursued for almost 20 years of mostly crap synths that actually, were barely "Synths" to begin with, Remember rock bands proudly stating on their records that NO SYNTHESIZERS had been used in the making of that record? The bogeyman from Japan was finally unsuccessful in his evil FM plot to destroy the noble rock warriors of old.All these years later the world is coming to accept that it was not the synthesizer who had come to castrate us from our manly triple-coil wank-rod, locking-nut Bro-on-bro finish, electric guitars. It turns out The synthesizer is a just another crotch grabbing, restroom all lunch hour, slap-the-wife and pee-in-the-sink musical instrument ! It just need time to swell to full length before allowing us to slurp up the type of creativity expression a well-made synth is always exploding with.

Do you "THRILL" to the "DANGEROUS" innovations in this year's new GIBSON LES PAUL?

Nope that because there aren't any, electric guitars are what they are, and they are not, nor should they be in for drastic changes, My Gibson FireBird has been my second cock for 15 years and if it is ever lost or destroyed (Many do envy, few would dare.) I would replace it instantly, (I would need to, my wife cannot achieve orgasm unless I can play Vinny Vincent's live solo from the Lick it up tour 20 minutes prior to coitus.)

It has finally been accepted that the synth is a standardized musical instrument, with a distinctive sound and application range like drums or a Bass guitar. Oscillators filters Amp LFO , = Thick heavy sound rich with harmonic distortion like a guitar but much less crass-sounding , and far more versatile, But it can rock like a guitar or shimmer like an orchestra as need be, but in doing so it will sound like neither, it will sound like VCO's hitting VCF's on their way out of VCA's , and though many of us can claim VD's when we hear that special sound few us will complain of experiencing ED

that doesn't mean there won't be other innovative keyed instruments, but they will be whatever they end up being. The world will not mistake them for the synthesizers again.

Took nearly 50 years for the nads to drop on this one, but the life giving people putty has swollen them to the point of critcal mass, and with a fanfare of rompler trumpets I salute those bad boys swinging free in the breeze, a symbol of hard won freedom.

Your rights do not come cheap people,

But the Roland crap does, so don't buy it. seriously, they will never learn if you keep buying their garbage.

So we;ve got:  1. An Ipod mixed with a Kaoss pad but...10x as expensive as either.......weak

2. A few plugins in tin cans that you can play Mr Potato head with.....feeble

3. and just what the world have been waiting for! It's the VENOM MRK2! well......I didn't mind the Venom......but I was the ONLY one who liked it so.......FAIL!

A most un-manley showing by Roland

909 day, Fail, G.A.S, Korg, New music gear, Roland, 

Ensoniq ESQ-1 quick start guide (SQ80)

The Ensoniq ESQ-1, ( or an SQ80)

A discerning synth geeks choice de' jour, this behemoth of 80's snazz might remind you of the digital watch you received in the box of captain crunch you lifted from your local Woolworth's food donations pile right next to a sky-high stack of Reagan-era government cheese.

If Max Headroom had played a synth (didn't he) this would have been it.

But in true 80's fashion the "JOYGEL" so to speak, is flammable, sealed tighter than Indiana's lost Ark this synth was shipped with an obtuse interface designed specifically to keep the idiot (Re' disadvantaged) out, thus ensuring their board would be used only those contributing to the tax base and the next gen nuclear warhead that we all owned a piece of back then.. (In those days you hoped for nuclear war just to see that all the money you spent went SOMEWHERE

But here we are 30n years later, and you STILL aren't paying your goddamn taxes, so I suppose I will let you in on some of the secrets we worked so hard to keep from you back then.

Follow my instructions TO THE LETTER your job is to LEARN THE RULES BEFORE YOU BREAK THEM don't think of this as learning to program a synth. Think of this as your final 80's exam, pass and you may be able to get yourself laid at an 80's night near you, fail, and it's back to the government cheese, perhaps also acquired while getting laid at an 80's night near you.

Strap in the strap on tough guy, here we go:.

This is intended to get the new user of an ESQ-1 up and running with the synth and familiar with it's interface and basic functions, more detailed and specific instructions can be found elsewhere. This is written in point form for easy of use.

1. Switch your ESQ-1 on. You will briefly see a start-up screen followed by 2 lines of text. Begining respectively with: INT 1 PIANO and SLOSTR. These are the names of patches (sounds) preprogrammed into the synth to call one up, press the rectangular grey button closest to it, either above or below the screen.

2. For our purposes press the grey button above piano 1.Try they keyboard, it will now sound something like a piano.

3. Now look to the far right of synth. Below the Ensoniq logo, locate the following buttons: OSC1, OSC2, OSC3, DCA1, DCA2, DCA3, FILTER, DCA4, LFO1, LFO2, LFO3, ENV1, ENV2, ENV3, ENV4 these buttons correspond to the basic control parameters of a subtractive synth.

4. -OSC (Oscillator) is part of the synth that generates the initial sound.

   - DCA (Digitally controlled amplifier) amplifies whatever audio signal routed through it.

   - FILTER filters specific frequencies of the audio stream passing the signal along without them.

   - LFO (Low-Frequency oscillator) this is a sound wave generator that produces sound waves below audible level, thus they can be used to adjust other synth parameters without being heard themselves. For instance a soundwave that serves up and down in a smooth manner (A sine wave) can be routed to vibrato, thus the vibrator moves in synch with the shape of the wave. Think of a boat moving as waves roll it in the ocean.

    -ENV (Envelope) just like an LFO an envelope has an inherent shape, perhaps a better term would be map. A map plots a course for you with a beginning middle and end. An envelope tells whatever parameter it routed to how to move in the beginning middle and end of it's duration. For instance: If oscillator 1 pitch is routed to Envelope one, you will need to program the envelopes attack (Begining) sustain (How long it' stays at it's destination. Release (how long it takes to exit it's primary destination) ad release (It;s final exit until it's effects are undetectable)

5.  Hit the DCA 1 button, over to the middle left of the board you will see two sliders. Toggle the one marked Data entry. You will see the display show DCA 1 = a number. Pull down the slider until it reads zero. Repeat this process for DCA 2,3 and 4. Remember these are AMPLIFIERS you have just turned them all off therefore you will hear.....NOTHING! Good! Look where the DCA buttons are. See how they are depicted? This is called a Schematic of the synths SIGNAL FLOW. By studying it you will see that the OSC (which create the sound) flow into the DCA's 1-3 next. You will also see that DCA 4 is placed prior to the final output, this tells you DCA's 1, 2 or three AND four must be on in order to hear any sound

6. Press DCA 1 and adjust the value to 60, do the same with DCA 4, the sound it back

7. Now look before the DCA'a. The sound generating OSC come before the amps, here we can choose the TYPE of either sound wave or sample we wish to start with. Press OSC1, each grey button corresponds to the parameter closest to it on the display.

8. Hit the button just above "Wave: you will see the parameter is "Piano" move the slidder all the way down. It will now read SAW. I find a saw-shaped sound wave to be the most naturally "Synthy" sounding so we will start there.

7. Now hit the FILTER button and then press the button closest to FREQ, adjust the value slider til it reads about 40, next press the button for resonance and move that to 30. You should now have something approaching a 303 type sound. but there is something missing......

8.  Go back to theFILTER screen at the bottom you will see MODS =, this is asking you what if anything you would like to modulate your FILTER , press the button closest and move the value slider till it says ENV3

 9. Now go to ENV 3 and tweak parameters in any fashion moving left to right. You will notice at the far left you are affecting the beginning or ATTACK of the FILKTER's behavior as you move right you are affecting the middle or SUSTAIN of the filters behavior until at the right you are affecting (Modulating) it's end or RELEASE. What do I mean by behavior? How fast does the filter start working? How long does it work for before its effect begin to fade? How long before they are unnoticeable? ATTACK SUSTAIN DECAY RELEASE correspond to these questions.

10. Go back to your FILTER page and instead of ENV3 in the MOD = section move the data slider until you see LFO 2. you will notice the sound is now changing on it's own according to the shape of the Low-Frequency sound wave you are MODULATING it with. Try different waves. Do you see how a square wave changes the filter behavior in the shape of a square figuratively speaking? How about a Saw? A triangle?

You can apply these techniques to anything in the ESQ1 modulate the filter with the oscillator the Oscillator with the LFO shape the Amp with an envelope. The world of synthesis is at your command when you put these simple principals to practice. Not just on this synth either, you now know how to program most synths, just locate the building blocks and what modulates them and the possibilities are mind numbing .

I have given you the means to pull the sword from the stone, use them wisely and go slay the dragon, leave the restroom "Sword fights" to those less educated.

And remember.....the number of synths a man has in his command is directly proportional to the size of his penis.

Poke away my friends, just don't put anyone's eye out.

I will tackle the sequencer in another post

Addicted to music gear!!!

Music is my day job,

I pay my rent with this, there is nothing else I need to do to feed myself so let me pass along some advice to those who are just starting out in the "Game" or even if you are not...

..If you are agonizing over what gear you need to acquire next then let me make things simple for you. This is all you need for digital recording: (Analog recording or hybrid is a different ball of wax) 1. COMPUTER 2. AUDIO INTERFACE 3. HEADPHONES/SPEAKERS 4. SOFTWARE:. D.A.W, Soft synth, Soft Drum Machine, Soft Sampler (Most DAW's come with these already so you won't need to buy anything extra) 5. MIC 6. MIDI CONTROLLER 7. ANY OTHER INSTRUMENTS YOU PLAY

Yep, that's it, you have enough right there to make a chart topping smash. Believe me, it has been done with much less.

If you are screwing around with anything other than these pieces of equipment in your early days as a producer YOU ARE OFF COURSE, you are probably in the onset stage of a sickness known as G.A.S (Gear acquisition syndrome)

Gear is addictive, that's why we love it, some are inspired to greater productivity by it but I'm sorry to say to %99 of us, gear is a distraction and an addiction. WE end up being LESS productive as we acquire more stuff.

The truth is this: Within the context of your finished track nobody is going to give a shit whether you used the TR8, 909, or Drumzon. Within the context of a finished mix it simply won't matter.

People will speak up and disagree with me. you should know that: 1. I can pretty much guarantee they are not professionals, this isn't how they pay rent. or 2. They are telling YOU it matters to try and convincer THEMSELVES that all the time and money they sacrificed wasn't a waste.

I am a recovering gear addict and i'm telling you this: Those hours on CL and Ebay could have been spent actually producing music and they still could, today you have a choice stop trying to GET things like gear and start GIVING by writing and producing a new track with whatever you have at hand, you never know, the track you write tonight could be a massive hit! But it won't get written if you are chasing 35 year old drum machines on Ebay.

You can only dance with the girl who is by your side, if you chase the fantasy girl you've never even met, you're going to end up missing prom.

Oh, and if by chance you catch up to her, you'll see it wasn't her you wanted at all, it was her FRIEND who lives 100 miles away.

Man up (Woman up) and make some finished product

Leave the toys for the babies.

The easiest Electron Octatrack tutorial on the whole inter-web! (This one is for YOU dummy)

Ok,

No BS, No theory, No slick proprietary terminology (Trig? Machines? Not here, Stunt-hose!) No architecture flowcharts. If you are looking to fine tune your Octatrack workflow I suggest you coil up the Ol' "John Holmes" and super slinky your way out of this tutorial.

This is for the desperate, the forgotten.....the dummies.

For the people who have come into possession of an Octatrack, (perhaps...prematurely?) in their musical careers, who have been living out a  "2001 quest for fire" type scenario ever since they first turned it on, and have either stopped just short of flinging poo and beating their naked chests or have just completed the previous troubleshooting technique and still find it impossible to make a single sound with this infamous destroyer of souls, this is for YOU!

I have ONE goal in writing this, I want to get YOU to where you can at the very least, make a SOUND with this thing, and maybe even program a SEQUENCE with this sonic equivalent of a "cold locker room in the 8th grade and you got out of the pool late".

Maybe, just maybe we can put a couple of inches back on that thing and warm it up before you drop the trunks for peer inspection, if you follow CAREFULLY! I repeat, the purpose of this document is to lay out the steps that will grant you access to the most basic and core features of the Octatrack so you can perhaps get a Taco-fart of wind beneath those wings and pull out of your nosedive before you (Or more likely the Octatrack it's self) crash and burn. I am not going to tell you WHY to do things nor will I impart any CONCEPTS on you, hopefully, the basic action of operating the Octo will fire some rusty piston in that bong toasted  Doritos-disposal system you call a brain and with this running start and some of the many other tutorials out there you just get to a place where your octatrack usage no longer  brings shame upon you and your family.

Ok, saddle up horse-dong,

It's time to ride that bad boy....

1. Turn on the Octatrack, you will see some wussy-looking graphics followed by either:

       A. The main screen: Big number in top left corner, six knobs (7 counting you) on the right. or,

       B. A prompt asking you to create a project. If you get this, locate the start enter button and click                 through the prompts until you see the main screen.

2. Hold down the white button labeled FUNCTION and tap the gray button directly to the north-east of it labeled MIXER/ PROJECT, you will see a split screen with a list on either side. On top of the left list, you will see a tab called PROJECT. Using the UP DOWN RIGHT LEFT keys, settle the cursor on it. Now, press the RIGHT button, the cursor will be on CHANGE, Press ENTER. It will tell you to choose a project and show you a list. Using the UP button, go to the top and settle your cursor on CREATE NEW PROJECT, Hit the ENTER button. You will now be told to name the project. Hit the LEFT button once. The cursor will settle on the right-most number of the suggested title. Press the DOWN button a few times to change the number to anything other than what it was. Press ENTER. You will now have you ADD tested by having to wait a second or two by a progress bar. If you are still here when it is done, you will be back to the main screen of a BRAND NEW PROJECT! Give yourself a banana!

3. Tap the Mixer button. You will see a screen with a pair of headphones on the left and six boxes wth number to the right, the boxes correspond to the 6 gray knobs called A-B-C_D to the right. Ignore the 7th knob hanging over the tempo button. Crank knobs B and E, until they are at least 80. (you will see number in the boxes change as you turn them) Now raise C and F until they are 20, same for A and D. Hit MIXER again and the window goes away.

4. Go find something that makes SOUND and has an OUTPUT jack on it, it could be your phone or a synth, I don't care. Now that you have it connect it to your sound maker with a cord that has whatever attaches to your sound maker on one side and has a 1/4 inch male connector on the other, this could be a standard guitar cord as long as it fits your sound source, if you are using your phone it will need to be 1/8 " on one side and 1/4 on the other, because......

5. Conect the other end to the Octatrack as follows: On the back of the unit locate inputs A and B, then C and D. Pug your sound source into one or both AB or CD if you have a stereo, two-pronged cable, Now! I said AB OR CD!! NOT A-C or D-B DO IT!. If you have the stereo cable, throw on the dunce cap and go sit in the corner for a sec, if you have only a single male input, plug it into one of the four inputs. Now, Press FUNCTION and the red RECORD AB button, it does not matter if you plugged into CD, just do it! You will see a screen with a tape reel on the right, and 4 boxes with letters in them to the left. Go back to the 6 gray knobs, recall which input you are plugged into. Lets say you plugged into input A. Grab the knob label A, and turn it until you see only A in the upper right box, not A-B not B Just A!! If you plugged into C or D do the same thing with the B knob until you see only the letter name of your input. Now exit this boring-ass screen by hitting the NO button.

6. Hit the T1 button, it should turn red, then locate and  double tap the PLAYBACK button below the screen. on the new screen you will see on the left side a list, second from the top you will see the word FLEX put your cursor on it and hit yes, press NO  to exit. Follow this procedure again after starting with the T2 button.

7. Do something to make a sound with your sound device (If this is an electric guitar you may have to use a DI box, but then again you might not) You should now hear your sound source, if you can't, try a different source, if that doesn't solve the problem, go back to step 3 and repeat until it works. Look at the lights above the REC AB-CD buttons, you should be seeing green orange or red-shaded lights, green may be too low, red too much, adjust the volume of your source till it is neither too much or too little.

8. Being ready to make sound, Hold the T1 button down and hit the record AB or CD button depending on which input you are plugged into. Now MAKE SOUND you should be hearing it and the tiny black squares on the outside edge of the screen should have changed to a cross, you have about 16 seconds. Stop playing and hit STOP, Now, hit the T2 button and make a different sound. Follow the exact same instruction. Now hit NO till you are back to the main screen, Hit the T1 button until it's light is red, then hold down the T1 button and hit PLAY.....

Do you hear it?? DO YOU HEAR IT???!! That's you buddy! but wait before you take that Instagram shot with you in a wife-beater and gold chains, crouching and pointing to your octatrack, while throwing up a gang sign with the other hand, let's do this shitzz O.G style....

9. on the row of round buttons on the bottom of the Octa hit button 9, once again the glory is all yours but just a few more things....hit the REC button it's light will turn red. Hit numbered buttons 1-5-9-13 each should have it's light glow red when you hit it. Press play.....Victory!!

10. I will leave you with these options, repeat steps 8-through 9 using track/button T2 instead of T1, you now have two sampler tracks you can sequence! Also, try it again but this time do not hit the record button so it turns red to enter your steps. using the 9 or whatever button triggers the sample, follow these steps: instead of pushing the record button till its read and programming in you steps. leave the rec button un-lit, hold down REC while hitting play, now play your samples in live! hit stop when you are done.

OK, if you followed my instruction you are no longer an octatrack failure, you are now just an average dummy,

Congrats Jacko! Now go throw some poop to celebrate!

So you dare call yourself a music producer, huh?

Do you lay claim to the title of MUSIC PRODUCER?

Then let me ask you this....ARE YOU PRODUCING MUSIC? not this second, as clearly you are reading this, but rather, do you have a track you are presently working on that is moving along as you envisioned it? Has this track not taken more than a day or two and do you already know what track you will be starting and finishing next?

Have you been spending no less than 5 hours a day completing these tracks? Sacrificing partying, sex, drugs video games TV interweb porn ect ect. in order to make time to do it?

Are you taking one of those hours (when not facing a deadline) and practicing playing an instrument? Are you practicing singing by doing standard vocal warm ups everyday, maybe when your in the shower?

Are you trying to pick up one piece of music theory everyday and learning it to the best of your ability?

Are you also looking out for new production techniques and trying to learn them through online tutorials or asking people you know to show you how to do,it?

Are you setting up writing sessions with every good musician you come across?

Is your folder of COMPLETED mixes growing every week?

If you consider your training period to be over are you insisting to be paid on any track you work on? Unless you are a co/ writer?

Did you stop reading this 5 minutes ago because you have a project to finish and don't have time for this BS?

Well congratulations! Regardless of where you currently sit on the pay scale, if you answered yes to these questions YOU are a bona fide no BS Music producer,

If you answered no to most....I suggest you start by putting down the bong, slap yourself in the face three times, and repeat these magic words given to us by Guns N' Roses so many years ago:

" YOU GET NOTHING FOR NOTHING IF THAT'S WHAT YOU DO" -g N r 1987

Best advice for aspiring songwritters

quite possibly he is not capable of mixing and mastering professionally, so seeing this clearly he knows he must either devote himself to engineering for a year or two OR pay someone else to do it. Perhaps he can't afford it. Then he knows he needs to find another job, or start saving some more money. Or perhaps on looking at this list and knowing he lacks much of what it will take to get the job done, he says instead, "To hell with this" and goes off to spend his time for fruitfully.

But the main point here is that once he set his intention on completion, he had to honestly appraise what it was he needed to do in order to do that. Without having some this would-be rapper could have floated around for years waiting for something to happen. Instead of wasting his time, he will move onto something else in life which he is more interested in doing the work to accomplish.

Conversely, he might have looked at the list and decided he WAS going to dedicate the next year to learning how to engineer music. One year later our man now has an entirely new skill set that throws open a ton of doors for him, to say nothing of acquired confidence. You could do a similar "What if" with every item on the list. The list, and the intention, exterminate the lazy and weak intention folks who have no business trying their hand at something as demanding as a career in music.

There is also the most obvious benefit of having FINISHED what you intended to create. Let's say our rapper friend knows he's a good rapper has some good rhymes and beats but only the most rudimentary of demos, which make him sound worse and less professional that he might actually be.

Someone at a party with friends, he suddenly finds himself taking to someone in the industry who is looking for talent. He could tell them, "I'm a Rapper here are some demos, oh, actually don't listen, they suck but here listen to me rap...." and have the person running for the exits. Or he could say "you got a business email.....Thanks, ok I just sent you something, hit me up if you dig it, the contact info is there" What our friend sent was a link to a web page with his recordings, social media links, tons of great looking photos, live performance video, (That he shot himself in a garage asking his friends and family to act as though they are at a club and paid to see him, all shot on cellphones and edited together with free software) To the industry person (I told this story to make a point, but in real life, do not bug industry people when you meet them, try and get to them through official channels, nothing brands you a "Wanna-be" as much as running up to an A&R guy going "Sign me!") he seems like a businessman not a little kid wanting many to give him a new toy. This only happened because he set his intention on finishing something and then he did.

Music, books, painting whatever it is you create, must be FINISHED, that should be your primary goal, whether it succeeds or not is largely out of your control, but if this is what you do you must do your part and bring the work you've been inspired to create fully into existence this is your responsibility and duty make it HAPPEN.

This is the best advice I can give on making the music industry your career, if you have nothing to sell, then why the hell would anyone want to be in business with you? You have to prove you can produce the product, the days of hand holding record labels and drug addict rock stars being baby sat are long gone. Remember also this is the worst business in the world according to a poll by several big media outlets, that means the chances of success are lottery like. 

The music business is strange in that it really isn't a business anymore. It's actually a bunch of NWO-financial parasitises sucking the blood from the juvinile egos of a generation who is all too willing to bleed. it's about branding and manipulation. When a new "Star" is made in this day and age the end game is not to sell you records or concert tickets (You'll buy the concet tickets and t-shirts anyway) it's to groom a "Pitch man" or woman who becomes a role model for the type of consumer the parisites want you to become, But I am thinking that will be another blog, and if you think this is some "Theory" I have you will learn quickly how wrong you are. I have been inside the industry, signed to major labels twice, to major indies three times, composed for numerous TV shows. Even stood onstage at Madison Square Garden with a mic in my hand and lipstick on my face. I've been there and done that, unless you have as well, I would suggest it is YOU who have no idea what you're talking about.

In further blogs I will expose some of what I have seem in the labyrinthine depths of this meat-grinder industry, some of you might disbelieve what I choose to expose, no matter, the chances of you seeing it yourself are slim to none, but know this, whether you believe in it or not, it believes in YOU, and at this moment is urging you to buy this and not that, it has punched holes in yourself esteem in order to sell you patching for the cracks, that you would never have needed had they never got their hooks into you. You probably believe that you thoughts and attitudes are your own, I am here to tell you they are not. They have been conditioned into you from DECADES of media exposure. You are not your own man, or woman, a lot of work has gone into to making that a fact. And let me tell you this: THEY ARE NOT THROUGH WITH YOU YET.

The Roland system 8 review: What a monumental piece of crap, it's a JDXA in designees! an excuse to use parts left over!

I have a problem

Beyond all rational reasoning, every few months I find myself lusting after a Roland JDXA, I usually tell myself "It's not as bad as you remember, you need it" Then I go down to the music store play it and am shocked yet again  at how horrible it sounds

Yesterday was one of those days,

And it may be the last of my JDXA fetish parties, I doubt I'll be able to forget how terrible the oscillators sound on their own this time, how Roland has tried to dress it up with lots of effects and flashing lights to distract the would-be sucker from parting with their cash, but this time EVERYTIME i had played it came rushing back and I just had to admit, "This thing sucks, I can't buy it, it's garbage"

Somewhat disappointed by my lack of  G.A.S targets I looked around the synth room until my eyes spied a strange thing right next to me, it was another JDXA but with no color?

Wait! It's the system 8!

"Wow" I thought "They put it in exactly the same casing as the JDXA, I mean exactly the same, when the JDXA became a flop I believe they used left over parts to construct it, and as far as other features go...the should have just painted "RUSH JOB" on it somewhere. I mean good god, they just dumped everything they could into it, it's a JDXA without the crappy analog but WITH the crappy system 1 plug-out (WTF it's NOT clever) stuff and pretty much any Roland gimmick going around these days, it's a hodge podge of Roland tricks, a stew made of all thier left overs to compensate for thier failed flagship JDXA.

I moved over to play it and couldn't belive how weakly constructed it is, absoloute junk! Then I played and I'll be dammed if it doesn't sound and feel EXACTLY like the JDXA but with a pressence boot in the high mids, I flipped through patches, more gimmicks, roland will not give you any naked waves because if they do, they get exposed for the crappy sounds they make.

Looking back and forth between the syntths it was beyond obvious one had been thrown toether to replace the other after the first one failed to sell, This second synth being nothing but a repainted frankenstien, it's a GAIA and JDXA smashed together into one toy-like plasit box, pathetic.

These are 90's synths folks. VA carbon copy crap that just doesn't cut it today analog is back and that's the way it should be,

For some  bizarre reason Roland REFUSES to accept that their ACB tech, which if the truth is to be told should be called:, "Sound, the cheapest way possible"   stinks up this joke of a Casio and any other synth unlucky enough to inherit it. Sitting in a room full of new generation  analogs it is obvious how pitifully antiquated this system 8 is

Oh, by the way, it's going to fail. It,s no better than the JDXA and will not get anyone at this price point,

Roland threw a lot behind 909 day and tryings to get the public back on thier side, but the damage done from the phony products they are trying to scam us with will not easily be repaired,

I honestly wonder what Roland as a company does next, consumer confidence will be in the negative numbers.

To Roland I say : I don't know what you have agaist analog, but soon you will have no choice, these toys aren't fooling anyone

The Akai Rhythm Wolf says....F^%k y^%u Too!

      Lessons come from all angles in this strange life we live, people we meet for a reason or a season can teach us much about those places in us that hold us back from fulfillment but terrify us to look.

If only we can summon the courage to examine what it is in us that has us reacting so strongly to another, then we can grow and move on.

But sometimes the sight is too ugly to bear.

Enter the Akai Rhythm wolf.

Time to cut the BS, the Rhythm wolf is a very good analog drum machine. It's kick drum lacks compression in comparison to the other voices and can therefore, sound unbalanced out of the gate, but some high-tech production skill can be applied (The goddamn volume knobs!) along with the native overdrive circuit (Howl like a pig boy!) and the problem is soon corrected.

The wolf owes more to pre 808 drum machines then to all that 80's goodness (About 2 other machines in total) that the general populace buys new imitations of every year. It's sort of like a CR8000 (Of Blondie fame) meets a Boss DR110. That is to say, it is a PERFECTLY serviceable analog drum machine, yes the bass goes out of tune, but that's not what brought us tp the party so why leave because it doesn't want to dance?

(At the time of writing there is a perfectly serviceable tuning app that, while annoying, gets the bass in tune and ready to use)

So why all the hate? Simple! It's symptomatic of our globalized homogenized NWO one world culture running smack dab into the cowardly-non-conformists rebel-who-fits-right-in-dare-to-be-different-from-anyone-who-is-different-follow-the-leader-or-die-trying, youth of today.

Rarely have we seen a generation as spineless as the current crop of young people, they all look the same act the same, and have been careful installed with the urge to BUY the same.

THEY rejected the rhythm wolf before it had even been head, because they THOUGHT THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO.

If you trace the Wolf's doomed run, you will see that it mostly traces back to a video made by some french teenager who was obviously a virgin and couldn't be bothered to try and air brush his pimples prior to posting has scathing anti-wolf rant on youtube. His sublimation of sexual frustration into hating the wolf from his mama's basement was certainly entertaining, and as people laughed and saw others laugh, they assumed the laughter would be directed towards them should they objectively grade the wolf, and thus, an excellent product from Akai was D.O.A

Why am I thinking about this now a full two years after the mighty wolf fell in battle to an army of skrillix wanna-be worker ants?

Two words: Drum Brute

The French company who shall not be named due to having the worst and most insulting excuse for customer service I have ever encountered. Have released a new Analog drum machine and let me tell you something people....

....It sounds like SHIT,

Oh yeah, smudgy poop-hitting-the -toilet thuds all centered in the low-mid frequency range (Or the Mix-Killer range, as I call them) and fingernail-while-being-water-boarded sounding high hats, leave little doubt to the objective ear, and so far reviews are definitely mixed. But, as a machine that is clearly inferior to the wolf, it is not being piled on and skull-F%$ked to death.

And alas the reason for that, is that no one pimply virgin has yet to stand up and convince the others that they will be socially ostracized if they dare to love/hate this thing, you can tell the kids are cautious , they are waiting to be told what to think. As voicing the wrong opinion to them holds punishment worse than the afore mentioned skull-f%^king.

Well, I refuse to get in line. the truth is the truth and that truth is this:

1.The Rhythm Wolf was a good drum machine,

2.The Drumbrute is steam baked cat poop served in a nice cream sauce.

3. A whole lota folks out there did some skull-F^%king who in fact, had a Skull-F^$king coming!

4. The night is still young

Well that's all for now, and remember folks....it would probably be better if you didn't breed!

Have a great weekend!

Fixing the Keys on a DX7

PROLOGUE: The beating I took to bring you this info!

 I bought my latest DX-disaster last Friday. Rode my bike 2 miles uphill to pick it up, fucker weighs more than I do. Unable to stop my bike at an intersection I careened into traffic before crashing into the far curb, possible concussion in tow, I rose to face the oncoming road rager, who had bailed out of his car in full anticipation of combat. I was quite frighted as he charged me, so much so that I thought it best to throw the first punch (wins 90% of fights, got that kidz?) The synth soft case containing the DX was suspended by a strap on my right shoulder, as I pulled my arm back and threw, it slipped off my shoulder and dragged my thrown fist toward the ground with it's 100 plus pounds of pressure.

"AWWWWW....FUUUUU....!!!) And then I saw stars.

Luckily the man's passenger had jumped out of the car behind him and had waist locked him right after he used my left cheek bone for whiffle ball practice, and I guessing for fear of legal reprisal quickly had his friend back in their car and on their way.

Some were nice enough to ask if I was ok, sitting there on the curb, but I knew I would not be alright again for quite a while, the curse has come home yet again, nearby, propped jauntily on the bus bench I could feel the DX laughing.

ACT2: THE COMEBACK!

Let's F'ING! DO THIS!!

PROBLEM: YAMAHA DX7 with Dead Keys

OBJECTIVE: Repair keys, velocity and aftertouch intact, without paying out the ass.

Step 1:Take screwdriver, remove 4 screws on main panel, just above the keyboard so panel can be lifted like a trapdoor. IMPORTANT: Have envelopes or zip lock baggies ready, label each container with the place of the screw you put in it (EG "top panel 4 screws") Ignore this at your own peril.
Remove 3 screws on the bottom of the keyboard, on it's underside, and then going back to our "open trapdoor" While looking down at the key bed with the hood (Trapdoor) open, there will be screws on either side of the key bed to remove.

step2: Separating the key bed area from the circuitry area behind it there will be a strip of white plastic that snaps on top of the metal rods that separate the two sections. remove it, then carefully, noting any resistance, lift the key bed, remove the cable and socket connectors if possible and when necessary, but if you think it's too old to survive the separation....well, you probably don't have the stones for this in the first place. Grow a set and show that DX-"whateva" who the "dom" in this Dungeon is.

Step3: Now we get down to "the poop" No, I'm not referring to the patches you'll be designing should your repairs be successful (Although you'll not find a more appropriate nickname for your new FM (F#@k Me??) slab.) What I'm referring to is getting the keys in and out while still being able to make the same crappy sounds via the same obtuse programming methods that you tell drunk chicks  you are in full command of (Want to see the dungeon ladies? Just call me FM daddy.....gross) anyway, if I can impart one piece of "know-how" on those who have never performed invasive surgery on a Yamaha before then book-learn this my MENSA member buddies....Yamaha doesn't want you in there, in fact, they have designed a key array that is at least 33 1/3 percent more difficult to tear down and build up than any other manufacturers'.......

(Feel free to take a break for some rage-fuelled masturbation, Let's hear your battle cry! "ARRRRRRRGG!!!" )

 .....Here's the deal, and I'll remind you all that this is for newbs, so if already know everything, head on back to Gearslutz and resume showing thumbnails of your prophet 5 in exchange for a look at another dude's Prophet 6 (But...we can't tell ANYONE!!) Here's the deal: The spring action in keys is produced by a thin rectangular strip of metal, bent in a bowshpe AWAY from the keys but locked to them via being propped against a  barrier found in the recess of the key itself. The counter resistance comes from having it's square end hook into a notch in the core metal plate in which the contacts themselves are housed.

Wanna see? Okie Dokey! Place one hand over the top of the key at its fulcrum, hold the bottom of the key at its' outcropping with our thumb and two fore fingers. Press down, pull then push the key away from you, release pressure on the top of the key and you will hear a sickening crack.....your DX7 is now totally F'ked...hahaha!! JUST KIDDING, the key will now be loose. lift it out and you will see the metal strip. Now,get your q-tips and rubbing alcohol and get cleaning those keys and contacts, no secret here, just do it, notice different sets of contacts, it won't be difficult to image the actions by which velocity and aftertouch are achieved, which brings me to another important point.....DON'T BEND THE F'ing CONTACTS!!! You know the ones. those waif-like bastards that make contacts with the middle of the bowed metal strip. Those are the enemy, you're goal is to get out of this having not molested them any more than a quick pokey-poke with your Q-tip (Too easy) so be CAREFUL!!

Ok, now that you are done scratching that hard-to-reach part of your ass with the contacts I told you not to screw with, let's put this tart back together and get her on display so we can get on with lying about how much we paid for her company (She's not a mail-order bride.....I got her on the INTERNET...DUH!") Here's what I did,: feel free to fail in your own way, but this got the job done..

Take the forked side of the metal strip and insert it into both a black and a white key (Always install a white key with all adjacent black keys at the same time, yes it sucks, but so does a key-less DX7 you will know where to prop the base as their is a post that fits the forked tongue side of the strip, (Did I mention that is the end that goes in the key?) The other end of the metal strip should not be braced inside,  rather, it should protrude slightly over the lip of the back bottom of they key. Look at the metal base. Do you see the notch for the other end of the strip? Taking both a white key and adjacent black key, if applicable. Slide them down and diagonal so as to catch the metal strip in the notch and hook the plastic studs built into the key at the end where it hooks into the chassis Make no mistake this is a MAJOR PAIN IN THE ASS!!, but it must be done and if there is a secret to it, no one told my dumb ass what it is. But if I can do it, you can do it, so get jerking spanky!

You'll know you have it when you hear the familiar sickening crack, and feel that spongey spring back at your fingertips. Now. Remember how I told you to be all organized and literate like when taking the screws out and disconnecting the keyboard? Well now it pays off! do it all in reverse....

ACT3: VICTORY!

Well, looky now thar Cleatus! This har river may not go to Aintree, but you got yourself a real purdy DX-7, and I bet it can squeal......but I digress...

Congratulations! You can now perform basic service on a synth nobody wants! Sky's the limit 4 U super trooper!

Terrible Dee over and out....So until next time....

(Rage-fuelled)....."AHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRGGGG!!"