NAMM 2018: Volca mix? Forget it...BEHOLD! The VOLCA A$$!!!

What can I say about the "Volca Mix" that hasn't already been said?

Like the rest of the sheeple, I grazed the fertile pastures of negativity and contempt prior to investigation, before dropping my pants and spraying my half-digested opinion all over the bowl of this great public-restroom we call the internet.

My words were boiling hot with contempt, singeing the very orifice that disgorged them, though there were indeed chunks of wisdom to be found within the nebulas funk off my rhetoric, one was probably not tempted to get close enough to locate them, floating as they were in the primeval stew, the stink of which would drive away any right-minded reviewer.

But now that I've had a minute to take a wad of the proverbial 2-ply dampen it under the sink and hold it to the scalded crack of my snap judgment. Maybe thins in Volca world aren't as bad as I first imagined.

Yes, I took a crap on it like everyone else when I saw it, but I've changed my mind,

 There IS enough here to get a little performance going on. Between the channel EQ/Filters, side-chain, rhythmic compressor, FX I/O and dedicated mutes, I can tell you right now, there is enough here to play this, and your Volcas, like the instruments you've always wanted them to be.

 The Volca's have been screaming for this since day 1, and it's finally arrived.....PULL UP YOUR PANTS AND TURN AROUND.

I get it!

 why not go all the way and give us 6 slots? After all, this is the end of the line for the Volca's (unless they do a Volca Vector, beats 2  (non-screwed up snare) or keys 2 (Polyphonic, NOT Paraphonic, even if it was just two voices....making it douphonic...or stinkaphonic, that's when a Volca comes out of my a$$)

 There you go, the Volca A$$! who needs that designer guy when you've got me around? Frigging brilliant, digitally sampled 12-bit farts through an Analog filter, plus true master stink control for the authentic "Oh god let me out of the car I'm going to puke...too late blagggg!!" Experience. 

"Late night at Taco Bell" firmware update coming soon.

NAMM 2018: WHY THE NEW ELECTRO HARMONIX 9500 LOOPER WILL LEAVE YOU STRANDED ON THE TOILET

 Electro Harmonix must have gotten ahold of some decent Acid.

The gear world's "Dirty hippies with jobs" showed up at NAMM 2018 with: "Like....an entire...universe...IN A BOX.....MAN!" in the form of yet ANOTHER multiple of past looping duds  ( it's the 9500...that's like 2 x + 500 better than the last looper they tried to sell you) and clearly they are, as the kids are wont to say...

"TRIPPIN' BALZ"

 EHX has decided to take a THIRD swing at delivering to the public the ultimate Steroid Monkey, Multitrack looper, while simultaneously lifting a knee into ROLAND'S, well exposed, groin with one track more than that digitally addicted company's flagship ( Though it's construction is FAR from "seaworthy") BOSS RC 505 looper.

Does it seem that this new EHX 9500 will not only floor you with knock-out shot on the button but also prevent Roland from having any more children?

Who cares, the whole concept is nothing but "More...more...MORE!" style vulgarity, that forces unwashed undies (Of dirty hippies no less...BARF) into the face of a unique and fruitful creative method known a looping.

Never tried writing a song with a looper? You should, good things happen and any audio creative should have it in his arsenal, but the fruits of looping do not bloom amidst a dungheap of buttons and sliders. 

Looping DEMANDS two things: Imeadiecy and simplicity, it's a workflow that sprung up organically and became popular because of its ability to unclutter the creative process. EHX seems determined to spill that clutter back in like an upturned porta-potty at Woodstock.

Major bum out maaaaaan......

 if the 505 looper proved one thing, it is that LOOPING IS NOT MULTI-TRACKING, They are different worlds that don't mix well. 6 tracks? That's 4 tracks of distraction and four tracks too many, 2 tracks is the limit, once you go beyond that, you abandon the "Right now, this is it" mindset that makes looping a totally different creative experience,

 All of a sudden you are "Tracking" and trying to get things sounding "Right" so when you go and "Mix" it later.....F**K THAT, that's called MULTI-TRACKING, and it involves a lot of analytical thought, which is DEATH to the creative flow of looping. The 505 was a total dud, as it didn't let you get into the vibe of looping, nor did it sound good as a multitracker.

And since when has EHX even delivered the goods properly when it comes to these steroid loopers? This is their THIRD try and the first two had major issues, why would anyone believe that THIS time they aren't going to try and short change you? 

But even if they and Roland didn't always try to dazzle you with certain features so they could distract you from the essential corners they cut from others, a box like this is nothing more than a creative block of cheese. 

Start mowing down on it and you are going to get really full really fast, but when it comes time to actually squeeze one out you'll find yourself on the proverbial toilet making a lot of sounds but very little stink, as you discover you have been creatively constipated, 

Maybe EHX could include some EXLAX with every purchase of a 9500? 

Just a thought.

The Elektron Digitone, and why THIS could change your synthesizer life FOREVER!

Well, SOMEONE was going to do this, 

The most obvious non-product in electronic music has finally been made.

Elektron has produced, as of NAMM 2018, the FM synthesizer that was a proverbial Elephant parroting: "DUUUUH! in your living room for years.

It a total no-brainer. Korg flirted with it, but blew it with the velocity and lack of aftertouch. Day late and pressure sensitive key short. Works fine for the Monotron but when you want over $100 for a synth, there are a few things you should consider.

 It's really too bad that Elektron decided to do it first. This company CONSTANTLY releases unfinished, malfunctioning, intentionally crippled and way overpriced junk, that they would rather hire online spammers to make excuses for than invest money in fixing. 

Does this thing support aftertouch at least? Have they learned from Korg's fall from, miles in front, industry leaders, to Roland level out of touch company living in its own world?

Oh well, at least you can still trust Novation to give you a finished product and 100% customer support. 

BTW for those of you dropping several hundred on this box, you should know that an FM synth is 1982 level software programming and nothing else (Except for the DX7 with its 12 bit DAC's and unique VCA making it as lively and unique as a subtractive analog) there is nothing that goes into making this product that costs the manufacturer anything more than pennies, they probably paid some intern zero $ an hour to code the thing (that's how simple it is) and used their left over Digitak parts to build the rest, they won't need them for their original purpose now that the world is aware of what a malfunctioning mess the digitak is. So, what do you figure they intentionally crippled on this unit?

On the Analog Heat, it was MIDI, on the Analog Rhythm it was outboard sequencing, on the Analog 4 it was....well...SOUND! (it had other more specific and detrimental handicaps, but many agree, that synth does NOT sound good, 

On the Digitak it was no song mode and completely un-useable sequencing, the Octatrak?......Take your pick.

Come to think of it the only stuff Elektron has ever released that isn't severely and intentionally made crap by sins of commission or omission, are the well-remembered Monomachine and the Machine drum, I suppose the SID station is well thought of as well, who knows? maybe, getting away from Analog and Sampling will result in Elektron producing a usable product?....Yeah, and maybe it doesn't matter that the Prologue doesn't have aftertouch (I told you right to your face Korg, Your employee's in artist relations told me they completely understood, now I can't endorse your product, I will not accept a free unit, I told you this years ago know, no professional will support a flagship board sans aftertouch, you've signed your own death warrant, don't say I didn't warn you)

So, where does this leave the synth buying public? between a rock and a synth-wave hard place? 

No, It leaves you at the doorstep of your local bookstore (if you still have one,) where those of you who are smart will buy "Make Electronics" and start studying.

 Before too long you'll have the skills to build for a few dollars what Elektron tries to convince you is worth several hundred. It is only then you will be free of these thieves and understand just how badly you've been screwed over the years. 

Grab your cans of mace and your 555 IC timers everyone, it's time WE took back the night.

So...Your Fostex M80 reel to reel 8 track isn't working properly?

So...you took the plunge! You got your self a reel to reel deck! A Fostex M-80 no less!

Only your wet dreams of perversely saturated mixes bursting with "Mojo" and all your friends lapping it up like liquid crack in a neighborhood no C.I.A agents family members live in, is about to take a plunge of its own...

.....right down the crapper!

The P.O.S doesn't work!

Why!?!??!

Well, Dre..... it's probably either broken or you using the wrong kind of tape, they aren't THAT complex if it ain't working, and you can't figure out why then either you are too dumb to be using a reel to reel in the first place, or it's revival has passed beyond your level of expertise...

Time to call 911 and scream in your least manly vocal register:

"HELP! I NEED A WITCH-DOCTOR! TO RAISE A TAPE TECH FROM THE DEAD! MY M80 ISN'T WORKING AND I PAID $75 BUCKS ON EBAY FOR IT! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!"

OKAY...calm down there Conan, let's make sure you aren't as dumb as you look through your computer's camera, nice T-shirt BTW.......OKAY.....creepy jokes aside, let's do a quick idiot check here.

1. Are you using either 456 or 457 tapes?

Yes? GOOD!

No? IDIOT!!!!!!

2. Is the tape correctly threaded? Starting from the left reel the tape goes: OVER THE MOVING THINGY,

a.THEN UNDER IT, UNDER THE THINGY THAT DOESN'T MOVE,

b.STRAIGHT UNDER THE BIG THINGY WITH THE FOSTEX LOGO,

c.PRESS THE GODDAMN BUTTON AT THE RIGHT SO IT DOESN"T IMPEDE THE TAPE PATH,

d.THEN PRESS THE GODDAMN BUTTON SO IT SNUGGLES THE TAPE,

e.THEN IT'S UNDER THE NEXT THINGY,

f.THEN IT'S OVER THE NEXT THINGY,

g.THEN IT'S UNDER THE THINGY THAT MOVES,

h.THEN YOU APPLY THE TAPE TO THE TAKE-UP REEL FROM THE RIGHT SIDE,

i.THREAD THE TAPE INTO THE SLITS CLOSE TO THE CENTER OF THE TAKE-UP REEL 

j.TURN IT SO IT GATHERS TAPE FROM THE LEFT REEL

k............AND BEFORE YOU DO ANY OF THIS MAKE SURE THAT THE LIGHT BROWN SIDE OF THE TAPE IS WHAT IS MAKING FACE CONTACT WITH WHAT'S UNDER THE FOSTEX LOGO!!!!!!!!

Did you do all that correctly? Yes? Good!

No.?? IMBICILE!!!!!

3. Do you understand how the input/tape monitoring functions work?

I'll make this really simple.

1.If you want to record on a track, press it's corresponding button so the LED lights, then press record and play.

2. If your input monitor button is depressed and to hit rec without hitting play, you have just switched that track from monitoring tape upon playback to monitoring the input. That means you CAN'T hear what you've recorded!

RE-READ WHAT I WROTE THERE AGAIN AND AGAIN TILL YOU UNDERSTAND IT

Also never forget, Fostex throws you a curve ball, however, let's see if I can remember this...

...OK, so on a Fostex M80, each input is half-normal to its corresponding input in the latter half of those available.

That is to say, that input one is half-normal to input 5, input 2 to input 6 and so on, the same is true in reverse order (7 half-normaled to three, 8 to 4 so on and so forth)

I cannot recall the implications and limitations this manufacturing decision results in, only that it has caused much confusion heartache and rage against Fostex amongst (especially modern) users of the unit, I can recall some users feeling as if Fostex had played a practical joke on their customers.

Research this....feature?....before purchase and see if it is a deal breaker for you,

Also, be advised that Fostex do not have a reputation for durability and parts are no longer available for these units, breakage often results in the ultimate death of the machine, and reel to reel is the most finicky, delicate pieces of gear you will ever encounter, they require constant maintenance.

Not trying to talk anyone out of using these, just want people to have all the pertinent info available to them.

If you buy a functioning unit, the FIRST thing you need to do is locate a tech and make friends with him.

After that, just remember, the Fostex M80 is here for a GOOD time not for a LONG time,

BTW

I'm a tape guy, I have and still do use all these things. And for my money, the Fostex A8 (The first 8 track budget reel to reel ever) actually SOUNDS better than the M-80,

Also, while I've owned countless M80's and provided them with palliative care before they made that last great transfer to the master reel in the sky......

....My A8 is like a crotchety old grandfather, whose birthday we stopped celebrating after 100 because he's no longer trying to conceal his bad attitude, smells funny, and occasionally loses control of his functions.

But goddamn, you catch him on the right day, steer the conversation properly, you're going to get a HELL of a WW1 story out of him.

How to get a decent guitar sound recorded in the indecent digital age

So.....your guitar tracks suck huh?

That's digital for ya....what can I say, digital sounds crappy, washy, ill defined, messy, like someone is running a hair dryer during your song

BUT assuming you won't be switching to tape...Quality depends on context, what are those guitars playing with? That dictates a lot of whether the sound is "Good" or not, it's really all about relationships.

Anyway...I don't think any of that is what you were looking for, I think I know what you would like to hear more of and less of in your soloed guitar tracks,

These are your key ingredients: Player, Guitar, Amp, Mic, Space, Preamp, Converters

Assuming you like how you are playing, we then move to guitar, I hear a problem here, the Epiphone/Squier doesn't sound NEARLY as good as an American Gibson or Fender, If you want great guitar sounds, you'll want to save up for one.....AMERICAN....I repeat AMERICAN. Next, you want to use brand new strings of the heaviest gauge, whatever you are using go heavier, you'll never get THAT sound till you record with uncomfortably heavy (And new) strings.

Next, roll back the distortion, use the least amount possible, distortion actually makes a guitar sound weaker if there's too much, it's all about finding the sweet spot, but start by looking for less distortion more velocity induced speaker rattle and every other nuance that contributes to quality but is covered by improperly applied distortian

For mics go industry standard, if you can afford a Royer 121 get it, or a Sennheiser 421 if not get a 57, a lot of big records are made with this as the primary guitar mic, it's a dynamic,, dynamics and ribbons are industry standard for guitar

Your amp is tube? Good! Eliminate any digital conversions that you can, that includes digital FX and distortion. SANS AMP makes some great analog "Amp in a box" pedals, you could try direct or mix your direct sound with your mic'ed signal.

I'll tell you three things I really think help guitar sounds, assuming everything else I've mentioned is up to snuff...

1. Tube preamp. You can get insanely cheap ART tube Mic pres/DI's try some, to me they make guitar sound like GUITAR, this won't cost you hardly anything, MORE TUBE amp, preamps anywhere, just MORE TUBE

2. Put the amp in a reasonably reflective room and have a room mic as well as a direct mic, your condenser mics could come in handy for this application, this has made so many guitar tracks I've recorded come to life,

3. EQ LEAVE THOSE BASS AND TREBLE POTS AT NOON! Guitar lives in the mids, this is real-estate you have to share with vocals, so get definition in the mids 500hz to 1000khz, if you go looking for that scooped mid sound your guitar is going to disappear in the mix, consider the other instruments you'll be adding and carve out your zone based on their needs, again dial in your mids, LOWER than where the vocal lives, electric guitar is a pain in a mix, it steps on everyone's toes, the only place it;s relatively alone are in the zones I've mentioned, and don't be afraid to transpose your song based on achieving maximum frequency seperation, so many guitarists write in E or A by default, this tones have natual frequncies attached to them, (A =440hz for example) think about what's being played and what frequency range the guitar can naturally live in.



At the end of the day though, it's all about YOU so the best thing you can do to improve your guitar sound is practice every day, and practice hard, not for a long time but old school "going to the gym" type practice, this will make such a big difference in a month you won't even believe it.

I'm not a metal fan but practice some dumb metal riffs, consider it lifting weights and use a metronome.

Now....go make a hit and send me my royalty check.

So, you bought a $10,000 mic huh? Why you will destroy western civilization

So, I recently read a bit of heated discourse between some wealthy folk who were convinced the $100,000 + they've spent on Mic's must be better than their wealthy buddies $100,000 mic locker.

First, let's get one thing straight, I have nothing against the very wealthy, Communism doesn't work, the human spirit dies where you penalize success, I probably have more in common with Ronald Regan Philosophically then Johhny Thunders or Sid Vicious (Or maybe not, those guys never went on record politically...except to say DESTROY! which I can certainly relate to as well) but I do think capitalism has completely soiled the bed on one of the most important components to its continued existence, the founding fathers of the USA knew this but it was ditched somewhere along the way: Those at the top, need to help elevate those at the bottom, not because the government tells them they have to, but because they know it's their privilege as highly successful people to elevate those less fortunate. That's ELEVATE, not CARRY, teach them to fish and give them a couple of fishes while they are learning, but I'm not talking about the welfare trap here, creating dependence and victims doesn't help anyone......oh boy, do I digress, but I think I needed to provide a little context for what is too come, and to explain why listening to pissing matches about items small enough to fit in your hand that do nothing more than capture sound waves and the megabucks being thrown around on them got me a little heated,

Now, I need to do the hard thing, I need to look at my own life and see where I am being wasteful, Vain and self-indulgent where I could be helping people instead, because if there's one thing I've learned in life is that it's never THEM....it's always ME that needs to change, THEY will never change I AM the one that needs to make it happen in whatever sphere of influence I affect no matter how big or small that is.

Here is my rebutal to the conversation I describe:

Why do you think the SM7 is so popular? Not because, it's the greatest sounding mic but because you can HOLD the F'ing thing while tracking,

Goddamn, you can even pull a Bono or AC/DC and say screw the headphones, and sing from the back of the control room, busting out all you rock moves as you go while listening to monitor playback....and this while using a 58!

Never in my life have I listened to such a puffty collection of Nancy-boys be so precious (No this isn't homophobic, my gay buddy who is over tracking some drums agrees, you guys are lame)

Changing mic capsules between takes....good god,

Hey here's an idea: Tell lord Perciful to sell the $8,000 mic and go pay for some kids college tuition who can't afford it (No, I am not into communism, I would defend your right to hoard $8,000 mics with my life, It should be YOUR choice what you do with your wealth, not the governments or anyone else's, but that doesn't mean I respect your decisions)

Yeah, I get it, it's a hobby.....mic minutia could be your thing, but don't act like you "Can't connect" with your $5000 toy, that's YOU not the mic, all this mic fussiness is just that, YOUR HOBBY...it's effect on the music you are making is ZILCH, and when I hear about the amount of money being wasted on ZILCH, I have to wonder why you don't make sponsoring job training for those who can't earn a living or elderly people who can't afford to die in comfort or the victims of various world disasters who have lost the roof over their heads your hobby instead.

Yeah, you need mics to work, but buy a few 87's 414's 421's SM7's, 57's D112's, KM184's and 121's and you are good to go

Beyond that, have you ever asked yourselves? Gee....have we crossed the line with this mic thing?

I honestly don't know if I would accept work producing or engineering an artist who was so precious about their mics, unless they showed up with it set it up and were ready to track when i sat down on the other side of the glass.....ok, I guess if that's a part of their sound then it's fine....no different from any other piece of gear that helps an act get their sound..

But good god...if you are going to piss around with this stuff you should tax yourselves, for every $10,000 you spend and a mic you donate $1000 to a scholarship fund or soemthing......I give money away, and I couldn't justify $10,000 on a mic, so you obviously are wealthier than I am.....Christ, It's like watching western civilization crumble before your eyes.....Changing capsules while Rome Burns......Let them eat Capacitors...all that good stuff

Memo to manufacturers: What? Your new synth doesn't have aftertouch? Guess what?! I"M NOT BUYING IT!! The need for hands free synthesizer controls and how it all roads lead to KISS

That's right!

Korg! Your Minilogue Mini-sucks! Studio Logic, take your sledge and ride it back to queer street (I am not homophobic, if you are gay substitute "Straight Street") Roland, the only way I would pick up a system 8 would be to hit you over the head with it (And even then the light plastic would shatter and you'd barely notice)

Where oh where have the features that make a synth PLAYABLE gone? I want the wind controller! (Anal wind controller?) I want assignable features to velocity and the mod wheel (Multiple for the wheel) I want assignable CV pedal control inputs (2 of them! BOOYAH!) and most of all I WANT POLYPHONIC AFTERTOUCH AS STANDARD

This is why I LOVE me some ENSONIQ SQ80. It's all about the modulation I can do, without my hands having to leave the keyboard. Because guess what? I'M PLAYING! The SQ80 is the most playable synth ever (while others program. with the SQ80 I PLAY. I started out as a guitar player so I'm used to having the power to FEEL my instrument in the palm of my hands, not having to interrupt my creative flow to "program" stuff in.

With HIGHLY programmable aftertouch, CV pedal, HIGHLY detailed velocity programming, Pitch wheel and HIGHLY programmable Mod wheel, Playing synth never really hit home with me till I got one of these,

It's funny, everyone thinking 1:1 controls are so important, as a musician who wants to become one with his instrument and let his emotions call the shots, not his brain, I can tell you these Ensoniq's and, wait for it...........The hated and feared DX7 are THE synths for the playing musician,

You have so much hands free control on the DX7 it's not even funny, and don't think I'm some Jazz/Prog weirdo either, My roots are Punk/Glam/New wave I first picked up a synth because of Billy Idol (Wanna learn to play synth like a man? Rebel Yell record will show you, even though it's played by a woman, she plays with more balls than any 80's wuss that came after her), Cyndi Lauper (She-bop = best rock n' roll synth ever Co-written by Cyndi Lauper and the guy who went on to play keyboards with KISS) Primal Scream, Jesus and Mary-chain (Yes they used synths), Not Phil Collins, Hebie Hancock and Mister Mister (Although oddly enough their guitar player would end up playing one of the guitar solos on KISS's overrated, plodding heavey-metal snooze-fest of a record Creatures of the Night) and Duran Duran (Even lesser known fact: on KISS's underrated 1980 Power-Pop masterpiece UNMASKED, Producer Vini Poncia, asked the, just barely been signed and totally unknown Nick Rhodes play his Jupiter 8 on the forgotten classic TOMORROW and several other tracks, if you think you know what KISS sounds like and have heard their best but aren't familiar with this song I encourage you to head over to Youtube and prepare to be blown away this is one of the top three KISS songs EVER recorded, if you hate KISS I dare you to listen to that song and say it)

So there you go Synth manufacturers, it's really quite simple, those of us who can PLAY and aren't brain-dead, loop-layering no-talent EDM Mongoloids (Hey I like electronic dance music, I just don't like EDM...I like Mongoloids too so can the self-righteousness) would like some instruments that give us the ability to ROCK, we don't need our hands held as we push the "Talent" button.

In short, we who are UNMASKED are tired of instruments coming to the market that were obviously made to play on Creatures of the Night,

Yes.....There is a KISS analogy for everything....until next time, take yer fuggin trainin' wheelz and shove em' uo yer preset banks!

Good bye from Queer (Straight) Street everybody!

P.S On which street doth a man livist who yearns no more for gooey stains on his side of the bed and would sleep the night in peace?

Terrible Dee